Sunday, May 9, 2010

I know what I want

We got our grades back for the semester. I picked up right where I left off all those years ago. In my online class, a format I never attempted before, I struggled mightily. However, I managed to eek out a very respectable B just the same. In my on-campus classes, I got straight As. I'm not really surprised but I'm proud of myself just the same. performance was overshadowed by II. Gee, what's new about that.

His pre-med advisor emphatically told him he couldn't earn more than one B per semester. Guess what he pulled off? Three Bs.

He can tell me a thousand reasons why he did this, and they are probably all legitimate. He's a perpetual underperformer. He was arrogant and cocky when he started this semester. He honestly thought that because he is highly intelligent, he could earn As because he merely decided he wanted them. He's never taken hard science courses before. In fact, he didn't take that many even in High School, so that really and truly was NEW information for him. In his last month of class, he truly did apply himself and truly accomplished A level work. It wasn't enough to save his grades. His advisor told him no more than one B per semester for 3 semesters, so technically by GPA he could earn 3 Bs total. If he accomplishes nothing but As from here on out, then he can still accomplish this.

Get the picture of the long, emotional weekend I've gone through?

The bottom line for me is this. Seven short months ago, I learned that the love of my life had done the unthinkable, and had been betraying me and our marriage every day for the last five years. In the aftermath of that, I felt strongly that what was best for this entire family was quite simple. We needed to change EVERYTHING about our lives. We needed to make radical change, and we needed to fight for OUR dreams.

For me, this is key. This was about us, about the adventure of a lifetime as a family. We were going to go back to school. We were going to enter poverty so that we could have our dreams. We were going to sacrifice everything we had so that we would have a better future for all of us. If we were going to restore the marriage, then it was important that all of us be important. It was important that II not be "punished" for his mistakes but be given the same chance to rebuild his life and dreams from these ashes beside me.

I kept my end of this deal. I did everything expected of me. I carried my weight in this house. I set aside my pain and I stood beside him. I made time for him to study, even though he did not return the favor except on the night before certain tests. I helped him carve out regular study time WEEKLY. I taught him how to study. I pushed him and encouraged him and believed in him.

He didn't study. He didn't try soon enough or hard enough or strong enough. He took that time to study and squandered it. He didn't read his chapters. How on earth do you take hard sciences and not read the chapters in your book? Are you KIDDNG ME??? He scraped his Physics grade out of the C he nearly earned, but he fell down on his Biology and Chemistry. He was so out of touch with his Biology grade that he still doesn't understand HOW he earned a B. This would be a perfectly acceptable learning curve for a 19 year old in college for the first time.

II is not a 19 year old in college for the first time. He's 34. His original undergrade GPA was a 2.67. Medical schools rarely look at applicants with GPAs below 3.0. If he had accomplished straight As, he would have *just* had that 3.0 GPA. If all the Bs he earns are these three, he'll apply with a 2.98 GPA, just barely below the cut-off. But, his other markers would be far, far above average for applicants.

See the if, cause I do. I cannot reconcile all that we sacrificed for II to have brought out a learning curve and these Bs. I cannot fathom how we put everything on the line, including the well-being of our children and he may have blown his chances. He might not have. But, everything now hinges on no more Bs. He just took his three EASIEST classes, not his hardest. Why would anyone expect that he won't make another B?

In all of this, I realized that I'm done. I know what I want from this marriage. And, I don't believe I will ever get it. I have sacrificed everything in my life for this man. I sacrificed my dreams, my world, my personality, my focus, my future, everything. I set our entire family up to support him and his dreams. I supported him through undergraduate studies. He earned his Bachelors while we were married, and I supported him every step of the way. He then wanted to go to Graduate school. I hated that idea with every fiber of my being, but he SWORE this was his dream. So, I supported him through his Master's degree. I supported him as he built a career. I moved every 12-20 months for years because that was what it took to build his career. And, when he decided he didn't want that career afterall, despite the monumental debt we were saddled under for that career, I supported him in this new dream. I supported him in quitting his job, in following his heart, in restoring this family.

Honestly, I don't want accolades for what I did. What I have done, I did because I loved him. That was the gift I could give him to support him and help him and show my love to him.

What do I want now? I want him to love me just as much. I want him to put me as the most important thing in his life, to sacrifice his dreams and his future to support me. I want him to see me as capable and confident and intelligent. I want him to set this family up so that I can thrive and succeed in MY dreams. I want him to be there for me as much as I have been there for him.

I don't want him to do this because I deserve it, or because I demand it. I definitely don't want him to do this because I did it for him. I just want him to love me enough that he would give this to me. I want him to set aside the passive-aggressive behaviors, the comments, the sideways digs about my success and the excuses for his failures. I want him to stand up and put ME as his priority, not his happiness, not his own heart, not his dreams. I want him to quit thinking about him, to quit obssessing about him and stand beside me, because that is what you do for the person you love.

I just don't think he loves me that much. I don't think he ever will.