Everyday heros

Many years ago, when I was new to nursing and HIV was not as well understood, I had a patient who was HIV+. I remember that patient not because I was scared of him, but because of the attitude so many of the staff members had about him. I remember that the support staff was running around growling that he was a "double glove" patient and the other nurses were not really much better. I remember telling at least a few people, very angrily, that the entire reason we WEAR gloves is because anyone we encounter could have something in their blood we could contract. The only difference about that patient was that we knew what he had before we entered his room. I remember when that man was ready to be discharged, I was the only person willing to handle his care so the poor man could go home.

Back when I had my only known HIV+ patient, I also had a very young baby brother we had recently adopted. My baby brother entered our family because his adoption agency could not find anyone else willing to adopt him. When his birthmother went to seek prenatal care, she lived in a state that autmoatically did HIV testing. She found out she was HIV+. When my baby brother was born, he tested positive for the virus as well, despite his birthmother taking AZT through her pregnancy.

My brother does not have HIV. A newborn baby will carry it's mother's antibiodies for up to 18 months before they will convert to negative on the antibiody test. The antibody test is merely the body's attempt to fight the virus. The antigen test shows whether the actual virus is present in the body, and my brother never tested positive for the antigen test. Most families were simply too scared to even try to take that baby into their homes.

These days, I've seen a movement in adoptive circles that has swung too far the other direction. I've seen a lot of adoptive families who espouse that HIV no longer kills, that it's merely a nuiasance disease and that it has little to no impact on a person's life. It's true that patients are living longer, but it is not merely a nuisance disease.

Today, I had my second HIV patient ever. The first thing I learned is that the treatments for the virus today has been whittled down to one pill. That, for the record, is absolutely amazing to me. The second thing I realized is that this patient, who was suffering complications of the disease, who found out they were having even more complications and the somewhat bad day went reallly bad for them, touched my heart. I can honestly say this patient was one of the sweetest, kindest patients I have ever had the pleasure to work with before. I can also say after seeing how poorly things were going for this patient, I just wanted to hug them. I didn't. I think the patient would have thought I lost my mind.

Just before this patient came into the office today, we had been discussing that while it's true some people just get handed a really crummy deck of cards in life. However, at some point, you still must CHOOSE how you are going to interact with the world and what you are going to do with your life. This patient has clearly choosen to accept some horrible circumstances with a smile and joy. It was a strong reminder to me. I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet this patient and the pleasure of being able to touch their life at a moment in time when they needed to be touched as well.

The pissed off nurse

I do not like nursing.

I cannot figure out if it is the dynamics of a very small outpatient clinic with a staff that has known and been personal friends, and thus cliquish and exclusive....or if this is simply related to nursing in general.

I remember I left nursing the first time because nurses eat their young and I grew tired of the idea that before you could be accepted into an environment, the seasoned nurses had to deem the correct pound of flesh had been extracted first. However, that was much less than what I am experiencing in this position.

I did not realize when the truly incompetent nurse was asking me questions about my education and experience on my first day that she was not, in fact, being sociable and curious. She was, in reality, trying to find ground to prove that despite my being a 15 year seasoned nurse in a non-traditional manner and she was only a new nurse of just over one year, that she was in fact superior to me. I bombed that test quite badly by accidentally informing her that I was already admitted (and was readily given a one semester extension to address my grief) to the very same nursing program she has been rejected in her application twice now.

In all fairness, I also now know the girl way overreached in her applications. Instead of choosing one of the local, run of the mill Bachelor's programs, she opted for a top tier program with national ranking. Given she couldn't get admitted into the local, run of the mill Associate programs and had to go to what is locally known as the worst nursing school around AND she barely graduated even then, she was just asking for a rejection from this particular program.

However, I forgot that this dynamic exists. Yet, I am convinced that this tiny clinic is far more exaggerated than the normal dynamics at play. I enjoy my work and dealing with the patients. I have fantasies of telling these henish women what I truly think of them and spend a lot of time biting my tongue while realizing I am back in high school.

Yesterday, I had my first day officially off orientation. Getting off orientation has been it's own drama filled experience. When I applied for this job, I had a personal connection to the hiring manager. I made it clear before I ever submitted my resume that I could NOT work more than three days per week. I actually spoke with her specifically before submitting my resume because the job listing was unclear and I wasn't going to bother to apply if it was going to require more than three days per week. When I started working, the clinic nurses felt that even though once I was off orientation it would be three days or less per week, I should absolutely be required to orient at the same 40 hours per week they were all required to endure when they began the job.

I did buck the consensus on that point. If the hiring manager could not allow me to orient at the pace I was clear from the beginning I could work, then she should have hired her second choice candidate. For the hiring manager, there was never a question. She agreed to my terms when she hired me. She was at a conference the week I began working, or likely the speculation on my work hours would have never occurred in the first place. When she returned to work, it was immeidately established that I would only orient three days per week, no discussion permitted.

My co-workers then decided that if I was going to only orient three days per week, then I MUST orient signficantly longer so as to ultimately have the same number of hors orienting that they all did. Except for one glaring problem. I didn't need that long to orient. They put in six weeks of five hours per day before they were permitted to drop to part-time hours. To orient that same number of days, I would have needed to stay on orientation for ten weeks. I did seven weeks.

My co-workers were staunchly attempting to force me into eight weeks of orientation when I asked a very basic question of my hiring manager Monday. First, if all of my skills reqirements have been met and signed off on, why am I still on orientation. Second, since yesterday I was scheduled to be one of two nurses, niether of us being my mentor, how was I supposed to "orient" when I MUST take the role of a non-orienting nurse since the clinic MUST have two RNs on the clock to operate. Furthermore, if I must be clocked in "OFF" orientation yesterday and tomorrow, do I then fall back to orientee next week when we are back to three nurses?

Those questions prompted my manager to take a more honest assessment of my orientation status than what she was being told. It resulted in my being officially taken OFF orientation Monday. I should have been off orientation at the six week mark. I was signed off on all of my required skills AND I have been doing the duty of a second duty nurse, not an orientee. In fact, I've been functioning as a second duty nurse since Christmas, including being left alone to cover everyone's lunch breaks and to fully manage patients on my own for long periods of time.

The two other seasoned nurses are well aware that I can handle the job at this point. The new nurse cannot stand the fact that I spent one more week on orientation than her and am officially off now. The seasoned nurses openly admit that the new nurse has a personality that you either love or hate. In eight years with this company (only the last 17 months as a nurse) she has burned every bridge with every department she has worked eventually. The floor she came to us from won't even allow her to come back on a per diem basis and work when their are desperate for staff. This clinic, however, adores her. They find her hilarious, and because of that they completely overlooking the serious deficiencies in her nursing practice skills they can openly admit they are aware she possesses. She spent several years as a plebotamost, so she's extremely skilled at starting IVs. It is the ONLY skill she is good at.

I had to speak to my manager in December when this girl's behavior became so egregious she attempted to bully me into administering a medication that a doctor had ordered in a mistake. She felt that checking the medication order with our office assistant was sufficient to ensure the medication was correct, even though the order clearly contradicted the office notes included in the records sent to us. I had to become very firm with her and insist that I was calling the doctor to clarify what was ordered because I was NOT putting my license behind the administration until I determined why the order did not match the medical record.

I'm reasonably sure that disagreement is when I earned the title of "Know it all" to this coworker, a title I can see she exerts to the other nurses. I can tell when she has worked and when she has not. When she works, I return to work and feel as if I have stepped into high school all over again. The two seasons nurses who respect and work with me ordinarily spend the morning reverting back to petty and irritating attacks against me. Typically, they settle down by lunch as I simply stay polite and do my best to do my job and avoid their emotions in the situation.

Yesterday, my first day off orientation, I nearly did not manage to hold my tongue anymore. When I came to work, the most experienced and skilled nurse in our clinic began her day using the same antics and behaviors as the incompetent nurse. She was refusing to allow me to provide direct patient care, was refusing to communicate information with me, was refusing to be polite to me. Late in the morning, the clinic was calm. We had a terminal patient who was struggling with the required paperwork we must complete for new patients. He was there for a palliative treatment and was struggling to even stay awake. He had choosen to keep his curtain closed around his cubicle, which means when you stepped behind the curtain you were cut off from the rest of the clinic. He requested my help with the paperwork, and since the clinic was calm and quiet, I disappeared to help him with the ardous process that he stated was simply confusing him.

Unfortunately, while I was assisting this patient, two patients entered the clinic. Our clinic is ONE ROOM. It is a simple matter of asking a patient to take a set in one of the cubicles and letting them know that a nurse will be with them shortly. The other nurse was starting a treatment on a regular (weekly) patient in full view of the full room. One of the patients who entered is a child who must spend about 20 minutes with heat packs on her arms before anyone can even attempt to start an IV, as she is that difficult to start an IV on.

Had I not been the nurse behind the curtain, I would have greeted the two patients, finished starting one patient's treatment, started the heat packs on the child and then addressed the other new patient without complaint. I know this for a definitive fact because I HAVE been the nurse not behind the curtain. This nurse choose to spend the day clearly angry and stewing at me, and then lash out angerily in the mid-afternoon.

I would like to give this nurse credit that at least she did communicate directly with me. However, since she steweed for the bulk of the day and then exploded, I would suspect that in reality my manager kept her promise when she allowed them to use her at 30 days to ambush me. I was lectured on my performance at my 30 day review, which is when I learned that I am referred to as a know it all. That was also the ambush when I learned that I was being cited not only for the sypmtoms of my Psoriasis that were present when I began working there, but also for the fact that apparently the treatment for my Psoraisis leaves the back of my hair greasy. I was also told that while we are all "equals" in the clinc, I am an outsider and have no right to express my opinions on how things are run nor what the future plans are for the clinic. I apparently enraged someone, or everyone, for simply being aware that Obamacare requires all medical records to convert to electronic in the very near future. Evidentally, that I have taken the time to educate myself on Obamacare means I have condemned them and am again... a know it all. When my manager behaved so unprofessionally, she also informed me that if my coworkers had any further complaints, she would refuse to be their mouthpiece and would require they speak to me personally. I suspect the late afternoon hissy fit by a 50 something woman was merely a reflection that my manager did at least keep her word on that stance. So, I cannot truly give her credit for communicating with me afterall.

Ironically, in all of these struggles, only ONE complaint related to my actual nursing care and how I handle the patients was ever expressed. At 30 days into the job, there was a serious complaint about my ability to start IVs. They assumed I could not find veins. They were incorrect. I am extremely skilled at hitting veins. I had a very hard learning curve to converting that to starting IVs because there is a different technique. Because all of my coworkers refused to believe me in where the problem was, they were worthless to help me problem solve to correct this. Ultimately, one phone call to the nursing education director and she walkd me through EXACTLY where my problem was. I corrected the mistake in one shift and viola I am having no problems with IVs now. Their complaints are personal, petty, and frankly irritating. My manager's suggestion on how to resolve them is to tell me I need to attend every after hours social event I am invited to and make friends of my coworkers. Really? I'm REQUIRED to not merely be friendly and professional but somehow be friends? That's ridiculous.

So, yesterday after a very irritating and frustrating day with yet another nurse refusing to be professional in how she interacted with me, I was unhappy as I headed home. II encouraged me that we are within a month to the end of the extremely tight finanicail situation created by all of the medical crisis we've faced. He assured me that I am free to quit and go back to being a strict stay at home mother at any point if I want.

I don't WANT to. I like having the descretionary funds. They are small at the moment, but they make a huge difference. In a month, they will be bigger and make a HUGE difference. Significantly, I want those funds to finish getting rid of the debt and save up the down payment to purchase this farm we rent and live on. Furthermore, I refuse to allow pettiness to drie me from a job. If I quit this job, it will be on MY terms, after I have proven that I am stronger and better than their petty behavior and they cannot and will not drive me off acting like teenage Queen Bees. I have a deep love of acadamia and truly believe I will hold a PhD before my children are all fully grown. However, I am unwilling and unready to throw away nursing, certainly not simply because they drove me out of it.

It's a strange change in attitude to go from longing to be able to quit and go back to full-time homemaker to realizing that I CAN balance this. I CAN enjoy working with patients. I will NOT be driven away by petty catfights. Give it your best shot, but I'm here to stay until *I* move on.

200 Books

I constantly try to expand my horizons. I always have. I saw this list years ago and noted that I agreed with most of the books listed. I'm looking at it yet again and realizing that I really ought to see about finding suggestions for more books I can read, or make another attempt at the ones I rejected in the past.

So, I found a BBC list that has circulated for awhile and figured I would take a random assessment of my reading, just to see where I stand and where I can continue to improve myself.

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien--I attempted this, repeatedly. I couldn't get past the old Enlish prose Tolkien wrote it in. I should try again.

2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman

4. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling

6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

7. Winnie the Pooh, AA MilneAt night, when I tuck my last baby boy into bed, we read a chapter of Milne. He is the last I get the pleasure of introducing to Pooh and he is captivated.

8. Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell

9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis

10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Brontë

11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller

12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë

13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks

14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier

15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger--Crazy fundie-lite LMB did NOT want me reading this in High School and I've just never gotten around to actually reading it since then either.

16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame

17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

19. Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres

20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy--Great Russian novels. My grandfather used to say they were written to last a Russian winter. I get that feeling since I've started most of the "greats" and rarely succeeded in finishing them.

21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell

22. Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling

23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling

24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling

25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien--Same problem as Lord of the Rings.

26. Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy--I could never follow the plot and always got lost trying to read this one. I made four attempts but never finished.

27. Middlemarch, George Eliot

28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving It's not that I don't like this book. It's just this is so NOT what I would choose as my favorite John Irving novel. I much prefer The Cider House Rules, actually.

29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck One of my all time favorites, not just of Steinbeck's but of all literature. I've probably read this 3-4 times in my lifetime and it never grows old for me.

30. Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson

32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel García Márquez

33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett

34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens

35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl

36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson

37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute

38. Persuasion, Jane Austen

39. Dune, Frank Herbert

40. Emma, Jane Austen

41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery

42. Watership Down, Richard Adams

43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald

44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas

45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh

46. Animal Farm, George Orwell

47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy

49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian

50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher

51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett

52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck

53. The Stand, Stephen King

54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy--See the comment with War and Peace, same issue here.

55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth

56. The BFG, Roald Dahl

57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome

58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell

59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer

60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky--Yet another Russian novel, tried and never finished.

61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman

62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden

63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough

65. Mort, Terry Pratchett

66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton

67. The Magus, John Fowles

68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett

70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding

71. Perfume, Patrick Süskind

72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell

73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett

74. Matilda, Roald Dahl

75. Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding

76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt

77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins

78. Ulysses, James Joyce

79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens

80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson

81. The Twits, Roald Dahl

82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith

83. Holes, Louis Sachar

84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake

85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson

87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley

88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons

89. Magician, Raymond E Feist

90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac

91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo

92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel

93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett

94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

95. Katherine, Anya Seton

96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer

97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel García Márquez

98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson

99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot

100. Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie

It's funny. Books have never just been books to me. They are more like friends. I remember going with my grandfather to the library when I was thrown out of my home as a teen. Granddad was a speed reader. His criteria for reading was it had to be written books. He would check out as many books as he could carry from his chin to the fullest extent of his arms. He had to go to the library twice a week because it only took him a week to read that stack of books.

Books are things that I can remember how I felt long after I forget a plot or name of a character. They were my escape from the brutality of my life at a very young age. It was only through tremenous threats that LMB would drag me away from my books to endure more of her torture and abuse. My books reminded me that those who were hungry preservered. They told me that children with rotten parents could grow up to be something marvelous. They were my lifeline to the world.

When I go over lists like this, I can see some lists of suggestions for more books to read. I don't read nearly as much as I did when I was younger and before I had children, but I do still read. I read to my children and I read for myself. Sometimes, I re-read my favorites like welcoming old friends to sit by my fire and stay awhile. Of all the things I have given to my children, I am most proud of the books. They don't need books to escape the way I did, but they too have learned that books are friends and not merely words on paper.

Hey, found a second half to this list!

101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome

102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett

103. The Beach, Alex Garland

104. Dracula, Bram Stoker

105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz

106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens

107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz

108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks

109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth

110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson

111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy

112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾, Sue Townsend

113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat

114. Les Misérables, Victor Hugo--Attempted and failed several times but am currently halfway through and enjoying it this time around.

115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy

116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson

117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson

118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

119. Shogun, James Clavell

120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham

121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson

122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray

123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy

124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski

125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver

126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett

127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison

128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle

129. Possession, A. S. Byatt

130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov

131. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood

132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl

133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck

134. George's Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl

135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett

136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker

137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett

138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan

139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson

140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson

141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque

142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson

143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby

144. It, Stephen King

145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl

146. The Green Mile, Stephen King

147. Papillon, Henri Charriere

148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett

149. Master And Commander, Patrick O'Brian

150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz

151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett

152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett 153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett

154. Atonement, Ian McEwan

155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson

156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier

157. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, Ken Kesey

158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling

160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon

161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville--Okay, I tried and tried and this is actually one I wouldn't try again. It was slower and more cumbersome than Gone With the Wind to me, and I really never liked GWTW so that's saying a *lot* for me. Sometimes, tastes just don't mess well, even if you want them to.

162. River God, Wilbur Smith

163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon

164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx

165. The World According To Garp, John Irving--Much, MUCH better than Owen Meany, in my opinion.

166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore

167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson

168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye

169. The Witches, Roald Dahl

170. Charlotte's Web, E. B. White

171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams

173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway

174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco

175. Sophie's World, Jostein Gaarder

176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson

177. Fantastic Mr Fox, Roald Dahl

178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov

179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach

180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery

181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson

182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens

183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay

184. Silas Marner, George Eliot

185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis

186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Grossmith

187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh

188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine

189. Heidi, Johanna SpyriThis is what I'm reading to my two younger girls right now. One of my favorite kids books.

190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. LawrenceLife of Lawrence

191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons

193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett

194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells

195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans

196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry

197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett

198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White

199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle

200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews

What I love best of this list is that there are books I have actually never heard of before, which offers me a perfect opportunity to expand my mind with new and fresh material....not that I will ever finish my entire to-read list, but I can continue to try.

Kali

Christmas is chaotic and amazing in our home. There are eight children here and one of them may be a teenager but he has never had a real Christmas in his life. He went from West Africa to a cult that shunned Christmas almost entirely. So, it was an honor to see him experience his very first real Christmas this year. It also added to the chaos.

In this time of our grief, I really did not expect much out of II. I had been careful and oh so grateful that for the first time in years I had my own income to buy gifts for him. These last three Christmases, I have taken joy not only in buying Christmas for this man but actually WANTING to do so. I no longer take it for granted after 2009 when I only bought what was necessary for the children to not understand that I prayed for his death every night when I went to bed.

II has been hit hard by grief for Micah, and since I have been working a tremenous burden of accomplishing Christmas also fell to him this year. I did not expect much for me.

Instead, this man I almost turned away from, this humble soul who put himself back together and won my respect and my love all over again, this man inducted me into his own personal Bad Ass Chick club this Christmas.

He gave me Kali, the Hindu Goddess of rebirth, among many other things. The more I read of this Goddess, the more honored I am that he would compare me to her. Funny how four years ago I would have taken deep offense at any non-Christian symbolism when comparing me and today I am speechless that my husband has honored me with both the necklace and the comparision.

Today we focus mostly on the joy and hold the tears for when the children are not surrounded by their Christmas. We do not forget where we have been, nor who is missing today. We have simply choosen to keep this holiday focused on these children. In the midst of that, II honored where *we* have been and his admiration for where I am going.

Precious moments

To work in nursing, you are required to undergo an orientation period. Every nurse is required, whether they are trnasferring within one location, or starting at new location, whether they are a new graduate or a long-seasoned nurse. We must orient to where we are working AND we most demonstrate competency in our nursing skills.

Where I am working, I did two weeks of formal, classroom orientation to employment at this hospital. For those two weeks, I worked full-time, and frankly I nearly rethought my decision to go back to work. Since then, I have been orienting in a preceptorship situation. I follow another nurse and work side by side with her. She signed off on my nursing skills (and actually she signed off on those within two weeks of my getting to the unit) but continues to monitor me and mentor me.

I don't know if I like this part of the training per se. Once I acclimated to the unit and their procedures and protocals, I much prefer simply being allowed to work and ask questions myself. However, my opinion was not asked nor sought out and I have no choice.

The ONE thing I was able to do was negotiate my work hours in this time period. Normally, this part of training is still done full-time. However, I had a personal connection the manager of this department and I had called her personally to inquire about the job before I applied for it. I had asked her then if it would be possible for me to work no more than three days per week after the initial company-wide orientation of two weeks. She hired me with that agreement in place. Not all of my co-workers were happy about this. In fact, one of them was quite bitter. I suspect the fact that she was just hired in August and required to do two full months of full-time hours before being permitted to drop down to the part-time position has much to do with her hostility. I didn't negotiate my orientation to upset, nor to humor anyone else. I did so because while I made this choice to work and keep my children's lives stable, I couldn't do two months of full-time work, or I would fail to keep their lives stable on that front instead.

I started my job first of November and I have two weeks left of my preceptorship before I formally, officially, come off orientation. Thye are intending to continue me for three more weeks of 3-8 hour shifts and as a third nurse in the unit instead of merely one of two. However, I will NOT be orienting and thus will not require permission to breath.

This orientation has kicked me in the rear-end. First, I have been reminded of why I left nursing, why the rumor is that nurses eat their own. I have had to adjust to being out of communication with my family at work, difficult to reach even in the case of an emergency. I have adjusted to the work hours, to the idea that II must to the bulk of the on-call and afterschool parenting on the days I work, which is three days per week still at the moment.

This week and next week, the scheduler gave me a precious gift. She scheduled me to work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday of this week....and Wednesday, Thursday, Friday of next week. I have six precious days off with my children for Christmas. I honestly nearly cried when she did it for me. I didn't ask for it. I had hoped to have Chistmas Eve off but assumed I might not even have that necessarily.

I took J to the dentist to repair some badly decaying teeth yesterday. He was supposed to have them repaired in February, the second time Micah went inpatient. We moved the next month. Getting him to a dentist here took three months. That appointment fell as Micah was dying. Getting it rescheduled took another three months. Incredibly, the wait time to get the actual repair work done was another three months! I started with the family dentist we all see but they wanted to do 3 year old pulpectomy with nothing but lidocaine and a papoose board. Eventually, the best I could find here was apparently sedation but still using a papoose board. So, that took all of yesterday and it felt nothing like a Christmas break.

This morning, we have worked on homeschooling the two homeschoolers. This evening, we will do our long tradition. The kids will drink hot chocolate and watch a marathon of Christmas movies. II and I will lock ourselves in the bedroom and wrap presents....far too many presents in spite of a 3 gifts (plus the Christmas Eve PJs that we don't count) per child from mom and dad. Tomorrow, we will do our other tradition. We will take the littles (this year that means J, L and R) plus whomever did not finish making/buying all of their sibling gifts to shop. Normally, we take them to Goodwill but I'm not sure that will work this year. We may take them to a dollar store but I'm loathe to give up supporting Goodwill in the process if we do. Our local Goodwill opened this fall and the inventory is still very shoddy and mostly corporate infused (with insane price tags attached).

I bought Gingerbread House kits. I haven't done that in several years (before the poverty years) and I'm not certain how that will go, but we'll give that and baking a try tomorrow and Sunday. I had imagined I would be in church this Advent season, finally having found a church this fall for the first time since the church threw us out over Micah. However, I find the emotions of trying to tolerate church to give the church community to the children AND deal with our first Christms with Micah too much. We'll return to church after Epiphany and avoid that part of the church calendar this year.

I'm so grateful that I get nearly a full week to just be a mom right now. As conflicted as I am over working again, we're not to a point where I could consider quitting. So, I must accepted the current circumstances and being here with the kids is a precious gift for my soul at the moment.

I have made some HUGE decisions. The choices that have tormented me for the last several years have been clearly answered. I have a mile marker for when I *can* quit, as well as one for when I would *like* to quit. I know where I go from here and what career path I am headed down. Working has been an AMAZINGLY positive choice for this family and myself, even though I hate going every day and those feelings can raise their head at work if I don't stay busy as well. Actually, that feeling contrasted to how I felt doing Sociology was a BIG part of what finally answered the question of where I wanted my future to go.

Today, none of that matters. I still have Barton to work on with my sixth grader, and 100 Easy Lessons to do with my Kindergartener. I have lots to do in this week I have off, lots of moments to just *be* with my babies and as a family again. Today, that is what matters.

Manchild, hold your promises

Racism. It's an ugly word no one wants to admit. In America, it's a state that far too many want to believe we have overcome.

When Trevon Martin was killed, I didn't blog. There's just no words to describe the fear in every mother's heart who has black sons when you hear a woman's precious child was killed for wearing a hoodie. I am well aware of the risks of a DWB. I'm aware of the safety rules and lessons I must teach my sons. I am not a person of color. I cannot make myself a person of color. I also cannot change that my sons must face this world as men of color.

I've seen parents in transracial adoptions where they truly believe they can become the same color scheme as their children. To everyone around them, it just looks bizarre. I've seen more than one child with a look of fear over it as well. Conversely, I've seen families who believe they can be truly colorblind and there is no reason to worry....that the world will simply fall in step with their progressive mentality.

I cannot create a situation where I can either change my ethnicity nor ignore my sons ethnicities. I have never presumed to try to do either. Instead, I attempt to offer my sons what I learn from those who are of color, especially safety rules for interacting with this world. I then offer my sons a safe haven. The world will always see their color. My home will always be an unconditional safe haven of love where color, ethnicity nor how we entered this family is what binds us but what makes us each unique and wonderful.

Yet, I had to sit down and explain to my newest son what racism is. Sadly, while I do not see his tone in a negative light, we live in a tiny school district where some do. The school officials let this son be bullied and initially missed which child was actually the aggressor. The bully proved his lack of ingenuity by bullying repeatedly in the months after he first picked on my child. However, some of the damage to this already hurting child was already done.

These days, when someone wants entertainment at school, they start by trying to get a fight started between this son and the bully again. My son is scared that people continue to think he is not a good kid. His background involves those who were supposed to love him forever always assuming the worst in him and he's terrified people will still think that way.

I was forced to teach this child was racism is because the basic fact is that I believe some of the struggles he is facing is that people don't always assign positive intent to this child first. I cannot say this is a certainty. However, it has now happened often enough, despite his desperate efforts to not let people believe the worst in him when the rumors start swirling yet again, that I had to explain to him that sometimes people see more than just what is before their eyes, even when it's wrong. This is the part of my job that I hate. It is, however, a piece of safety that this child has got to understand and given the extreme isolation and neglect he experienced previously it's not something he has grasped on his own.

Today, I failed

Today we had a patient in our center that was not normal for us. We had a 10 year old child with a progressive disease that will shorten this chid's life. She has been treated several hours away from here in the hospital, but her doctors set up so she can get her monthly medicine locally instead of having to drive.

I wanted to be reassuring to this mother and child. I wanted to remember what it was like to BE her, and to help her feel empowered. I wanted to reassure her that they will learn to live with this and will understand everything that is happening and how to put one step in front of the other....eventually.

Instead, I cracked. I didn't cry. I did that once at work and swore I would never be that vunerable again, no matter how shattered my heart might feel. However, I had to step away from this mother as I watched her shake, to refer to a piece of paper where the doctor had written down for her what was going to happen. I watched her struggle and nearly panic when her child's blood pressure was sky-high. I did explain to her that the blood pressure was because the little girl was scared about the needle required to start her IV line for her medications.

After they were set up and and I had taken time to acclimate myself, I forced myself to do the paperwork process with them. I didn't want to run and hide from a sick 10 year old. I need to be stronger than that and I need to be courageous enough to show this mom she CAN find her courage.

I walked this mother through nearly 20 minutes of paperwork. It's the standard CYA protocals in medicine. However, it can be confusing. Several times, the mother nearly flipped out as I tried to educate her on the process of getting treatments. I explained. I answered her questions. I took my time and I was gentle with her.

She thanked me when we were done, but I could have done better. I should have done better. All I can promise myself is that next month I WILL do better. Sadly, they will be there every month. I have more opportunities to learn how to help other mothers without being pulled back into my own pain and grief by touching it to help others.