The backstory

My Story
My story? Boy meets girl, they fall in love and have a crazy family that they always dreamed of together.

Until 12 years into it, girl goes looking for a crochet pattern on the computer and instead finds an email boy drafted to go trolling for NSA sex the week before while girl was out of state testifying in her parents divorce.

9/24/09 1:07am.

Girl is not dumb. She confronts boy…all night long. Sometime in the night, boy admits to 5 or 6 prostitutes over the last 5 years. Girl is stunned, her world is spinning. Her first thought is, “I can’t even pay my mortgage if I don’t keep him, much less put food in 8 children’s stomachs.” Girls second thought is “I will never let myself have to worry about that or consider keeping a piece of **** around for that reason again.”

Girl sleeps on it (barely), wonders what to do. But, knows, knows, knows boy is LYING still. Girls calls her closest friend whose lived this nightmare for 3 years and actually tried to reconcile her marriage until her hubby walked out for the other woman. Girl tells friend she knows II is hiding more prostitutes and a work place affair….oh how RIGHT those words would prove to be.

Girl tells boy she will think. Tells boy he must do 3 things before coming home from work that day or don’t bother coming home. Cease all behaviors, get an appointment with a doctor for STD testing and get an appointment with a therapist.

While boy is at work, girl starts writing a list of what she needs now to feel safe again, to even think about whether she wants to reconcile the marriage or not. At 4pm, boy calls to tell girl the doctor’s office is not answer their phone. He’s got a therapy appointment and eliminated all behaviors but he doesn’t have the therapy appointment. Girl tells him to call from his cell phone so she can see the log. Boy ‘miraculously’ gets through and gets appoitment. He gets to come home for another night.

Girl circles the wagons, tries to stand and breath again and begins to assess just how bad his behaviors really were and how the BLEEP did she miss all signs of it.

10/2/09 Girl is inspecting boy’s cell phone and notices Yahoo messenger. Boy HATES IM programs, never uses them, why is this on his phone. Account linked clearly shows it was created since move to South 4 years previously. Boy cannot remember password. Boy claims its linked to an “old” junk mail account.

Girl is NOT impressed with this trickle truth. Nor is she fooled by the lies.

Another sleepless night and boy’s count is up to 18 prostitutes, 3 one night stands and that workplace affair girl suspected on the 21st.

Is boy telling the WHOLE truth now? Girl cannot take trickle truths and lies. Girl cannot know how to even begin when she does not know what she is facing. And, girl will NOT continue with more LIES.

Girl sits boy down. She has him read about total honesty on Marriage Builders. Boy reads it 3 times. Girl tells him again she can consider ONE more chance, since nothing has occurred since first discovery. But, only if the earth stops spinning long enough to try.

Boy asks for his computer. He sits down. He cries…a lot. Three hours later, he hangs his head in shame, admits if girl is not willing to reconcile he has just given her enough damning evidence to guarantee he will never see any of his precious 8 children again. Says he would only be that honest in writing because he now gets this is his ONLY chance to save this life he desperately wants to live with girl and precious babies.

Boy is a changed man. He is remorseful, sorrowful, honest and transparent. He vows to change vows to fix himself.

Final count in writing is 30 prostitutes, 3 one night stands, one workplace affair and 4 massage parlor visits. When girl is done reading, boy sits down and shows her exactly HOW he did this for 5 years without raising a single red flag. He sends no contact letters to both workplace affair that has continued as emotional affair to first discovery day and to a ONS he then continued as an emotional affair for 18 months.

Boy agrees to every boundary girl sets. He provides all accounts, emails, full access to cell phone, finances and makes himself accountable for every move he makes.

Boy now attends Sexaholics Annoymous every week. He has a sponsor he checks in with frequently. He went back to his Psychiatrist to get his Bipolar Disorder adjusted since clearly it was NOT. He invokes ADA to get his workweek adjusted to give him off Fridays so he can see his Psychiatrist and a Sex Addiction therapist. He reads books on marriage and infidelity. Together they start working on healing.

The path ahead is going to be long and hard. Girl is in a SA’s spouse support group. Both are working through Recovery Nation workshops. Both are working on the marriage. If they cannot walk this path, girl has offered a Plan B where they do not disolve the legal marriage in order to protect the children but live as only roommates.

What will the future hold? No one knows yet. The story has no ending and is still being written


My World is gone

At least 12 hookers and escorts.
One physical affair confessed to, continued as an emotional affair to this DAY.
At least 1 hook-up not paid for and not an ongoing affair…2 weeks ago, after M was released from the hospital and during the weekend of R’s birthday when I BEGGED him to not go help his ‘coworker’ move.
He set it up the weekend before when I fly out of town. And, he followed through on it.

I discovered about 1/4 of this truth last week and was willing to rebuild the marriage.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I don’t know if I’m willing to rebuild this.

But, he must see a sex addict therapist if he wants to be allowed near his children ever again. I don’t trust ANYTHING out of his mouth right now.

And, I don’t know what my future holds.

later that day

I told him 3 things had to happen or he was not to bother coming home that day. He had to have an appointment for testing, an appointment with a therapist and fully back on his Bipolar meds.

So yeah, that’s where I went first too. And, when I called the mistress’s husband today, the first thing I stressed to him as well–go get tested.

I think he’s giving me everything, or at least enough of it to feel like he’s fully disclosed. Last week, he deliberately downplayed the extent of the casual sex and hid the work affair from me. That said, I told a friend that day I knew he was lying and I knew these were still out there.

At this point, he is broken, literally broken. He has already been doing everything I asked for 1.5 weeks and continues to do so. He has severe restrictions in place and is operating under absolute transparency. He says he will do WHATEVER it takes to repair this marriage. I want him to start with a sex addict therapist and Celebrate Recovery, in addition to significant safety precautions for now. He cut off contact with the affair immediately as I requested.

He’s not out the door. I can say that much. I don’t know what else I can do right now. Only time will prove if he’s going to do the hardwork to recovery or if he’s going to give up on us. For right now, he’s doing everything he can and has been since the first discovery on 9/23.


I truly believe if I had not caught it, he was on the verge of a step that would have ended quickly in his killing himself.

He has a list of SA (sexual addiction) specialists he will be working to contact starting tomorrow. The therapist he saw last week recommended a female therapist and a secular SA support group, which we both felt was extremely inappropriate. It wasn’t until I had full disclosure I could understand exactly what I was dealing with and where to go after the lousy advice of the first therapist.

The nightmare continues though.

For every day that I have known and loved this man, there was a hole in his soul. I tried constantly to figure out what it was. All I was ever able to determine was that when he was 5 something traumatic happened when his step-father came out of the closet, exposed his depravity to MIL and left her pregnant on Valentine’s Day for a slew of male lovers.

II’s memories of his life start after that trauma. He has no memories of the first 6 years of his life at all.

For several years, I thought II was hiding whatever this was. Eventually, I realized his mind had blocked it. I have tried to unearth it, to dig up enough shadows to figure out what path to follow with this pain. He has never loved himself and never trusted my love of him to be comfortable trying to figure out what is missing from his soul.

I knew II was capable of this behavior. I always knew. Because of that, we had safety plans, open commnication and I thought a relationship where he had agreed to tell me immediately if he started slipping.

He didn’t do that. And, the first time he didn’t do that, he set himself of a path of addiction that would destroy him and us. I still don’t know if this man is strong enough to fight this, stong enough to trust me to stand beside him and whether I am strong enough stay standing under the burden and the pain he has now caused me.

But in the midst of this, the first thing I knew when realized what I was dealing with was that it had to come into the light of day. I told his mother, my father, several friends and I posted here.

His mother chose to reveal her secret NOW…not when he was a teen looking for answers, not when we were newly married and trying to find what the hole in his soul was. Nope, she waited until he was most broken and destroyed to tell a secret she never, not in the 12 years I have known him, breathed a word about.

His step-father wasn’t only gay. Apparently, he was a pedophile. He molested II. She’s known all these years and never said a word. And, the moment he heard it, the knowledge retriggered him and brought it all back.

Long before he fell into this addiction, this explained everything about what was missing in his soul and how he acted that pain out.

I may need to hunt down emergency counseling for him today. I am praying he can let me support him through today and get to him to tomorrow. But, he has spent the night curled in a ball, shaking, not sleeping and only early into this morning did he allow me to hold him and comfort him. He just keeps saying he is not strong enough to face this AND what he’s done to his family. And, he’s so unbelievably hurt and devestated that his mother KNEW this his entire life, never told him and choose this already crisis situation to relieve herself of her own guilty secret.

He will not agree to inpatient. There is no way he will agree to that.

He’s still standing this morning. I can at least say that much. My dad told me where to look if I need to get him emergency care today. Otherwise, he’s got to get into fast therapy this week.

Before MIL’s revelation, I intended to let him do this for himself. At this point, I am probably going to make the calls for him. I can do it quickly and quietly if we can get through today.

I think he may need an a/d added to his bipolar meds. But, a/d for a bipolar is very tricky and I don’t know if I can get him to his Psychiatrist or get him to trust such an attempt given his previous response to a/ds.

He already found a Celebrate Recovery group Tuesday night he can go to as well.

As a mother, and a mother who watched someone hurt MY child like this. I cannot fathom how and why she kept this quiet his whole life. I guess she thought he was doing well so why bring up what he didn’t remember and thus expose her own shame. But, she knew he was NEVER doing ‘well’ There were always issues hiding in the dark that weren’t explained and that he battled, usually successfully–at least until 5 years ago when he spiralled out of control. But she knew he battled demons in his life that he was never free of them and that they were sexual in nature. HE needed that information!!! I am almost as angry with her right now as he is. And now he feels even guiltier because he says right now its supposed to be about my pain and not his and he feels like he’s robbing me of my ability to process what he’s done to me by having to face what was done to him.

OTOH, I pointed out to him that barring a do-over when she could have and should have exposed this secret a long time ago, this was the time to NOT hold it back any longer. To move forward, we HAD to know this. He had to know what he was lashing out at when he had and gave into these compulsions. I think in time facing this might be te piece to the puzzle for him to find healing and motivation to fight his demons with everything he has now.

When I learned of my own molestation, I was able to let go of the self-hatred and recrimination I had carried from toddlerhood. I was able to forgive myself for the demons I had fought as a child and the pain I had caused others And, I was able to find freedom and healing. It is my hope and my prayer that bringing this to the light as well will heal the wound that has festered his whole life and will free him to forgive himself so he can heal. (And, no I don’t think addictions can be cured. I think he will battle these temptations the rest of his life just like alcoholic. But I also think he needed to know what he was running from so he can figure out how to arm himself for the battles he must face.)


Honestly, I’m exhausted. And, I’ve been leaning WAY too much on one poor friend who has been through a similiar experience. But, I’m triggering her own pain and grief.

I don’t even see HOW I can get *me* to therapy right now. But, I have appointments to get half the kids enrolled in school by the end of the month. Once I do that, I think I can pay A to babysit the toddler and infant so I can get to therapy for me, weekly if necessary. Until then, I’m hanging on. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. And since I realized last night that 1.5 weeks of drinking only 3 drinks a day has dehydrated me to the point my milk supply disappearing, I’m trying to choke back water today. I’m trying to make myself eat 2 meals a day. I’ve hit my goal about 60% of the time. Last check, I was down 14lb.

I am not doing well. But, what choice do I have?

He came home at lunch telling me that he had no idea how much control even the little hits were giving him because 1.5 weeks cut off from it and he’s getting shaky. Obviously, he’s about to hit withdrawal and I’m seriously not strong enough to stand with him right now. I just curled up and cried because I CANNOT be his only accountability partner, anymore than I can keep him locked in a prison forever.

Thankfully, the leader of the SA program called as I was crying to get him set up for tomorrow (you are required to pre-register for it). I assume the leader was probably better equipped to deal with him right now so I walked away.

I just noticed there’s a wives group that meets as well. I need to see if I can re-arrange children’s schedules a bit so I can go. They offer free childcare…wonder if they can handle M.


Apparently, he cannot *just* join. He has homework and an interview that must be done first. He may not be able to accomplish all of it before tomorrow night and would then have to start next week.

But, he told the leader what he told me. Leader told him he appeciated his honesty but he’s got to find other support than just dumping it on me (thank you! someone needed to say that FOR me). Until he can get the admission requirements completed, the leader said he can call him for accountability but NOT to dump his temptations on me.

Once he starts, they actually keep newcomers in their own group where they have intensive homework assignments and accountability issues set up. It takes around 6 weeks to work through that and move into the regular group.

In the meantime, the software on the computers is set up to alert me if he even tries to access stuff and will record all his usage for me and keep it in a file for me to review. When he gets someone to be accountable to, I can set it up to set the information to his accountability person in addition or instead of to me.

I’ve had the entire house in lock-down for over a week now. I’ve had one person I could trust to reach out to, and it isn’t healthy for her. Having the computers and phone now secured in a way the computer geek can’t override and having one experience person to send him to now, I actually feel safer than I have felt since I opened the file that exposed this on the 24th.

Plus, since I bought it anyway, I set up safety stuff for the kids who have been begging me to let them learn how to use the internet.

Obviously, he could fall down again. But, if he does it in my house with our equipment, I’m going to know instantly. He asked if I would leave him for one slip up. I explained that another act of infedility is the only unforgiveable one now. We’ve agreed that if he slips, he has 24hours to confess or I will bring it to him because I WILL know. And, if he stops using our stuff and doesn’t come home, I’m going to know. Only HE can choose to fight this. But, I feel like I have enough in place so I can *see* if he’s falling down.

I’m simply stunned and amazed that in a relationship as open and connected as ours was, he managed to do so MUCH damage. P*rn was viewed from his phone when I thought he was asleep. Rendezvous where when he went out with “work buddies” and he kept in contact via phone while was gone. Back when the affair was physical, it was “lunch meetings”. Attempts to hook up where in the snatches of time I wasn’t here but on my way home. We talk to each other constantly throughout the day. I have always known 99% of his work schedule. I’ve always had full access to accounts…which I knew about. He used a different operating system. It kept no history. It wasn’t suspicious because it was part of the system (he lost that system already). He had a throw away email account, websites I never knew existed. His only weakness was the phone. He said he always knew if I looked carefully enough at the phone account details, I would catch him. But, I never put it together.

He was a good father, a good husband, a wonderful man. I honestly had very little to suspect. I suspected back when the workplace affair was ongoing. Apparently, that was a big part of why it stopped. Several months ago, I started snooping because I finally got that we really were bleeding money and I stopped ALL spending, so what he had claimed for so long that *we* spent without thinking..yeah it didn’t fit. As with everything else, he hid it well. He had to confess and show me how he hid it to keep the checkbook balanced. And, the weekend after Micah got out of the hospital, yeah my gut told me something was very off. But, in the years this started, I had NO clue. And until the point of full disclosure, I really had NO clue the depth this has gone to. It has happened in every.single business trip for the last 5 years. Thankfully, he hasn’t travelled in the last 2 years. But, when he stopped traveling is when he brought it home and lost ALL control (assuming he ever controlled it like he thinks).


The kids know that Daddy made a really big mistake and hurt mommy. They know mommy is hurting and struggling and that Daddy is doing everything he can to fix the mistake. They know we are all still here right now and no one is going anywhere at the moment. And, they know they are going to school soon and mommy is going back to school next fall.

Honestly, despite the fact that he’s apparently hurting for the want of it now, I’m less worried about a slip up now than 2 years…5 years…15 years from now. I DID check the phone records occasionally. Never into the depth I do now. And, for a long time, the affair partner was a co-worker and there was legitimate reasons for him to be in contact with her. Because I didn’t see contacts with her outside of business hours, I assumed they were business related.

I really don’t know what the future holds. I want to stand beside him and love him. But…my world is literally lost in an instant. I was looking for a file of a crochet pattnern I had written and thought I had transposed to a Word document. I couldn’t find it so I was looking at files whose names I didn’t recognize. I found a file where he was c&p’ing to try to score a hook-up. Had M not gone into the hospital when and how he did, Dh would have cleaned up his tracks before I got home and I would still not know. Once I got one thing, I kept looking. I knew he was lying. I knew he was downplaying. He was really, really good at this. He’s a computer guy. He’s checked in with me all the time and kept an open book policy for everything I knew existed. He just got really, really good at living a lie.

Step by step

4 kids are getting enrolled in school by the end of this month. I haven’t done school since I discovered this and I don’t even know HOW to accomplish it now. Two more will be enrolled next fall and the last 2 I will try to arrange to keep them out for as long as I can while I start my own return to school.

The first thing I thought when I discovered even the first part of this was that if I didn’t keep him, I didn’t know how to pay the mortgage let alone feed 8 kids. I will not be in that position ever again. And, I certainly don’t want the reason I save my marriage to be because I was scared of having to provide for the kids alone.

And, its not entirely true that I’m not getting *any* support. Since telling my Dad, he’s been calling me twice a day or more to support me, offer advice and listen to my tears. He’s a minister who unfortunately knows exactly what the betrayal of infedility does to a marriage and partner. I was trying to find help last week unsuccessfully. By listening to Dad and following his advice, that’s how we’ve finally started getting something set up. The therapist Dh saw last week was worthless, absolutely worthless.

There is a lot of work that would have to be done to save the marriage. But, the first two things that have to be done is getting his addiction under control and under accountability. And, helping me heal. Part of my healing is knowing I’m safe right now from his addictive, destructive behaviors. I don’t feel totally safe yet. But, I do think he was forthcoming with everything this weekend (to the best he can remember) and that has gone a long way to help me start feeling safe again. By knowing *how* he accomplished this, I know what I’m looking for and how to safeguard this home for mine and the kids sakes now.

I just never, ever knew what existed out there. And, I checked, but really it was more cursary because I TRUSTED HIM. I accepted explanations. Now I look up phone numbers myself and call them if I’m not sure. I assume nothing and require absolute concrete verification that what he says is truthful because he’s lived an absolute LIE for 5 years now. And, he was never fully disclosing and honest of his behaviors and struggles before he slipped into an out of control spiral.

Monster in law


I confront MIL yesterday about her choice to conceal this vital information until it had nearly destroyed his life. I was gentle but firm and I made it clear that II is hurt and angry that she never told him so he could have gotten help and been on the look-out for danger signs versus spiraling out of control alone and ashamed for so long. Heck, if I had known I would have watched more carefully, I would have known what to look for and what the risks were even if he was in denial. I’ve done that for my own son who was molested I would have done no less for my husband.

Anyway, she hung up on me yesterday. Today, I just got an email from her. We’ve been instructed to not contact her anymore. She just has too much to handle and can’t be a part of this.

Is there any wonder he could end up SO hurt when this is the response when she was confronted in her failure to protect him in the first place.

The kiss off
How are YOU? I just want to tell you I am praying. I have decided at this point not to call the house even. If there is something I can do I will but for now I need some space too…………

Please unless it is an Emergency don’t call at work to give updates or more info………..I am trying as you are to sort out things……………I want to be available if you need something but I also am paid to work…I am off a lot with Chuck and yesterday I was totally unproductive…….

Regardless of what anyone says or feels I love my son, my grandkids and you……………..I really do…………

I am not trying to make you angry but I need some space at work where nothing but work takes precedence………….