I can honestly say that I know why he switched from paid tail to NSA options late summer. I can also say his house of cards was crumbling to the ground even as I caught him. If I hadn’t caught him when and how I did, he would have been exposed before Christmas.

Had I not caught him in Sept, he would have tried blaming me for the house of cards crumbling and our marriage might not have survived what would have hapened this winter.

In 12 years of marriage, I have never experienced where he has put us at this point financially. And, while we can dig out of it and move forward by cashing out his retirement, our savings and his deferred comp, I don’t think we could do it without that.

Finances are triggering me SO badly now. I’m refusing to answer the phone. I’m refusing to look at the accounts. I’m not spending anything but I’m waiting for him to FIX THIS.

I am struggling with a great deal of resentment right now. Its going to take up to 2 more weeks to fully fix the mess he made. Its sickening bad at this point. And, he did this to us over the last 3 years when I was raising the kids AND verbally abused me everytime I tried to figure out what was going on with the finances in that period of time.

If I had to go through this valley and put up with the same verbal abuse over the finances I endured for the last 3 years, I would have thrown him out by New Year’s. I can promise you that. The only thing holding me together most days is his sincere apologies and the fact that he’s not trying to deny what he did financially anymore.

Praise the Lord, somehow, someway more funds are coming than even we budgetted and when the month is done we’ll be in better shape to start a new life than even we thought. But, I cannot wrap my mind around how he even thought he was going to hide this from me any longer.

Right now, only 2 of my kids have good winter shoes, and one of those are handme downs, the other my sister bought her over Thanksgiving weekend. Two of my kids are missing winter coats, the others only have them because I had lots of handme downs. And, until funds start coming in (and the first starts tomorrow and again on Friday thankfully), there is nothing I can do about this. I can’t even fill E’s meds until a check comes tomorrow. I have enough of her old meds to get through the weekend, but I can’t start her on her new meds her Psych ordered until that check tomorrow.

There’s just NO EXCUSE for putting us in this hole, not at his income and not with how frugal I am with money. And, he did it behind my back because for 3 years he could juggle and hide it…until he couldn’t any longer.

I’m having a very traumatic and disheartening night. Sorry for the Eeyore routine.

The darkest hours

I fell apart tonight and he informed me that *I* ruined all our lives. I’m not proud of the outburst that caused but he knows exactly how I’m struggling. I just don’t think he hears anything but his own brain buzzing anymore.

I’m ashamed of myself tonight though. He commented that these children are the only thing he’s done right in his life, that he’s a good father. I said,

“Your children are cold. They have no winter shoes and no winter coats. They barely ate dinner tonight. Do you still think you are a good father?”

It was a low blow to a temporary situation. M’s adoption subsidy will be here tomorrow. II’s last paycheck with 2 weeks of vacation pay (a month’s worth of income) will be direct deposited tomorrow night. By the 15th, we’ll have his retirement funds, which have grown by $1K in the last 2 weeks thanks to a stabilizing stock market at the moment. By first of the year, we’ll have his deferred comp funds. Mid January, we’ll have my financial aid from the U. By mid February we’ll have the penalties withheld from his retirement funds in addition to a large tax return thanks to our final year of adoption tax credit to claim AND I will have a job to cover the tight spots while we’re in school. We truly, truly will make it. We knew this night would be the darkest night all along, we just didn’t realize how low it would go when we say it from the last 6 weeks. It was a low blow to make me feel better tonight because he blamed me for all of this and I was hurting.

He blamed all of this on ME. He told me I had ruined all our lives and forced him to quit his job. And, in that instant I wanted a divorce. I wanted him dead. I wanted all of this pain to stop. I didn’t make anything better. I cannot see straight from the pain of being accused of causing this. I just want it to stop. I want him to be the man I thought he was. Or, I want him to leave entirely.

And right now, I don’t think he loves me. I don’t think he cares. I think all he can see is himself and his own needs. I’m so TIRED of hearing about HIM, HIS PAIN, HIS FEARS, HIS NEEDS, HIS DREAMS!!!! WHAT ABOUT ME???

This is truly the worst night of my life. Worse than the night I was raped. Worse than the night I knew I was pregnant from that rape. Worse than the night I gave my newborn daughter into someone else’s arms.

Morning has broken

Um…the bank has removed hundreds of dollars of fees this morning. I have no idea why nor what happened. When the account tanked a week ago, II had asked the bank for mercy and they ignored him. I don’t know what happened. They didn’t reverse all of them but enough to turn us back to the black from the spiral it all went into a week ago.
And, there are 5 bags of winter clothes and a stack of winter coats that showed up in my garage this morning which was NOT there a week ago when DH was working on floors downstairs.
I know where the bags/coats came from. One bag was newborn baby girl stuff I loaned out to friends who quit speaking to us when the Children’s Minister at our old church accused us of abusing M. I had called the wife this last summer because I was missing a specific dress when she returned L’s clothes. She swore then that she had returned it and I tore my house apart. Well, one of the bags was all of the missing stuff that was never returned. One bag was clothes that fit E. There were also several coats.

That definitely tells me that they have no intention of restoring the friendship. But, at least I have my heirloom dress back again.


The final paycheck is being direct desposited at midnight tonight.

The company has cashed out 2 FULL WEEKS of vacation pay with it.

Apparently, they did NOT use his vacation time for the Make A Wish trip. And, they didn’t use his vacation for FMLA in September. I can understand the MAW trip, its quite possible a company as large as his has a policy with MAW. I’m confused about the FMLA.

But, he’s been paid through the end of December so I’ll take it. Direct deposited at midnight. And, M’s check should be here by 2pm today.

The darkest hour is officially through and the sun has come back out.

And, we did talk last night. I told him I feel like he is NOT dedicated to this situation and fixing it. Over and over and over when I struggle emotionally, he accuses me of getting ready to leave and not truly being here and committed to this. I’m so TIRED of this accusation. Its so far from the truth and the very accusation is driving me to not want to try.

So, I asked WHY he continues to do this, to accuse me of lying and of stepping out on this emotionally. It feels like he’s projecting everything HE has done onto me. And, I don’t feel its fair.

He says that he knows he doesn’t deserve for me to be here. For 5 years, he decieved, lied and destroyed this family further because he was convinced if I found out I would destroy him and take his children away from him. It grew and festered and took control in the dark because he knew I would leave and he would lose everything.

And when I found out, I didn’t leave. I haven’t left. I’m still here. And, in the event he fails to rebuild *us*, I’ve offered Plan B. I’ve offered to NOT destroy his life, to NOT take his family away from him, for him to still have a future and have his children protected from what he did. I’ve offered him not hate and disgust but grace and mercy.

He doesn’t believe he deserves it. And, because he doesn’t believe he deserves it, he’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s waiting for me to change my mind, to realize he’s not worth this offer of love and to walk out on him…like everyone else in his life has ever done to him. He accuses me of lying and intending to leave because that is what he deserves and that is what he expected. He didn’t expect mercy from me. And, he doesn’t understand why its been given.

How on EARTH do I handle that? I mean, its genuine and it would explain most of his emotional behavior since discovery that simply didn’t exist beforehand. Three months, he was a consumate, loving and in-tune husband. Today, he’s anything but. He is trying to drive me away because he doesn’t understand nor trust what I’ve offered. I do get that the only other person who EVER stood beside him was his grandmother. I get he was abandoned and betrayed and left to falter and fail in his life. But, I don’t know what else I could possible do or say to prove my intention to give him this chance. And, it hurts, hurts horribly, to constantly be distrusted and accused of lying for offering this.

Yes, we both know he needs counseling. Its at the top of his to-do list as soon as we get moved. It was at the top of his to-do list in the first place but taking the steps to get it got his job in jeopardy and we had to take care of that distraction first.

I begin to think that the ONLY thing which is going to help is counseling for him. And, I’m honestly starting to think that it might be best right now for me to remove myself emotionally from this. Not to give up on him, but to have no expectations from him intimately and emotionally. To hold myself strong and hold onto the craving I have to have intimacy. I think I need to step back and let him battle these monsters without the distraction intimacy with me is causing right now. I think I need to be there when he is willing to reach out and stand firm and strong when he is not able to. And, I think I need to wait until a counselor can help him work through some healing before trying to work on US again.

I have done nothing to earn his distrust and to demonstrate anything but my truth and committment to this marriage. Consequently, I don’t believe there is anything more I can do to convince him to trust me and believe me. I can stand firm in my offer of reconcilation. I can stand strong in my own personhood. I can continue to show him mercy and love. I can show him the love of the Creator he is currently rejecting and show that Creator working through me. I can pray for him and see if counseling can help him overcome the raw pain that discovery has finally brought fully to the surface of his soul.

I can’t fix him. And, I’ve been really firm that I will NOT caretake him. But, I think I need to take a more gentle approach for awhile. Not caretake per se, but more a holding pattern until he can get work done in therapy on himself and his brokenness. I think I need to accept what he CAN give me right now and not continue to want what once was. I see now that he’s truly not capable of giving that right now.

And, tbh, I think right now I’m going to approach him like I handle M and E with their mental illnesses. I think I’m going to stay aloof but not cold nor hard. I’m going to have firm boundaries but be approachable within those boundaries and simply disengaged in any behaviors that violate those boundaries. He needs healing for his brokenness. Once upon a time in this marriage, I was that broken one. And, he stood by me without expectations while I battled my demons and brokenness. I’m a different personality and I worked through it alone. He cannot do that. He is stuck and needs professional help doing it. I need to step back and let professional help do that. I need to see this brokenness not as something personal nor aimed at me but something within himself that he can fix and needs the right resources.

He needs to know that I’m here waiting, whether he understands why or not. But, he needs me to step back and remove the pressure of our relationship off his healing for now. Recovery Nation specifically talked about this, but I didn’t get it before. I get it now. He can’t restore US until he heals his own heart and soul. He needs me here, but he needs me standing on my own so he can work on himself first. While I get so tired and upset about this being about HIM. The reality is that it IS about him. If he cannot heal HIM, we cannot restore US. And, restoring us simply will not come before he heals HIM.

I get it now. And, I’m going to step back. Unless he violates my boundaries for safety or fidelity, I’m going to check my emotions and avoid confrontations with him. I need to check back into my own strength and need his less to hold this family strong. He has no strength left to give right now. Bringing his pain to the light of day has zapped him of that strength. I need to be strong on my own and for my children and give him time and space for now.
———- —————————————————————————-

Please Father Almighty, restore my strength. Restore my personhood and my strength even in my own pain and devestation. Give me the fortitude to hold myself and walk forward on this path to hold my children strong. Give me the wisdom to step away from this man and allow you to restore and heal him. Be my strength and pillar while I carry the burdens he cannot share right now and hold this family strong and healthy so he can work on his own health and healing. Remind me that my strength is in you and not by my own power, and draw me to you through this journey so I remain standing strong for myself and for these children.



We did a trip to Old Navy after we got the check into the bank account. The two who were missing winter coats have them now. The 4 who needed shoes got them…and the 3 year old fashionista got a pair as well. Two children insisted they needed socks. We did an emergency shirt purchase for the sticky baby.

And, they had a sale going in-store only so I got 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts and II got a pair of pants and we spent what we budgetted for just the coats and shoes for the kids.

I feel weird wearing real clothes and not a mommy uniform. Its been a LONG time since I’ve done that. And, of course, I bought a button up shirt and it gaps at the chest just like all button up shirts do and its likely to continue until I finally wean the babies. Apparently I’ll wear it with a camisole or tank underneath until they wean and I shrink.

Oh, and I’m down a pants size since September and those are loose. I keep this up, I’m going to be much smaller than when I started this journey.

12-7-09 Changing of the guard

2.5 months ago, I discovered my world had fallen down around me. Its only gotten worse since then. As he has tried to repair what he did, his work became hostile, we had to find a new path for the future.But, I was homeschooling 6 of my 8 kids, several with special needs, 2 months ago. Stopping to take care of ME was not an option. And, since that point, it simply hasn’t been.

We are moving first of the year. We are both going back to school full-time. I’m going so I am not dependent and so no matter what happens in life I can take care of my kids. I’m leaving because I cannot stay here anymore, not now. But, I’m going to build a better and safer future for myself and my 8 kids. The school aged kids are going to school in January and I won’t be homeschooling anymore.

II is going to try and restore this marriage and to reclaim his dreams as well. He can stay and be a part of our new path…or he can go and we move on anyway. His post-nup assures we are financially protected either way.

Anyway, I have said for 2.5 months this is too much for me. I cannot carry this on top of everything I’m expected to carry. And, for the last month, he has asked me to hold onto December when things would change.

Last Thursday was his last day of work. He’s spending this month getting our current house ready to put on the rental market, securing housing, packing up this house and getting us moved.

Today, I handed over my day planner to him. I sat him down and told him where everything for the children and the household stands. For the next month, I’m off duty. My only responsibility is to be here, to love my kids and to nurse my baby, and to rest.

When we get where we are going, we’ll share the burden of this family and their needs TOGETHER, just as we’ll share our needs to move forward together for as long as he is willing to commit to this family and to me (he says until the day he dies, we’ll see).

Finally, for the first time since my heart got trampled in the ground, I have the chance to sit down and to rest physically and emotionally.

And, that is exactly what I intend to do for awhile. I’m exhausted. I’m not sure how I got here, and I know I can’t put a single foot in front of the other anymore. I’m going to rest. I’m going to TRY and enjoy Christmas and birthdays and let go of the burdens I’ve been carrying for so long.


I’m organized because….

I’ve been organized by necessity, not by choice nor natural inclination. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids and that has required such a degree of function and organization.But, the price I have paid is my heart, my soul and my own healing.

And not taking care of myself is what has led to my complete and utter shut down I am taking now.

I could have NEVER maintained this forever. It would have killed me. I’m already on meds to combat the stress the autistic/bipolar/cystic adoptee has done to me in the 21 months he’s been here. In the last 2.5 months I have seriously wondered if I was going to have a stroke at 33 from this stress. I’ve fantasized frequently about running away with the 2 babies and leaving II to carry my role in this family. And, I have at least once wondered if I might find more peace in the grave than this life now.

This is why I am off duty and resting. At the moment, I am eating the fried rice II cooked from the rotating menu I put together so long-term cooking and feeding the family doesn’t require thought. Then, I am taking the night off to see The Blind Side, where I wll enjoy movie theater popcorn with lots of butter and a soda–niether of which will be stolen by little hands.

If the yarn store is still open when the movie is over, I’ll get the yarn I need to make stockings for my brother and his family. WH will put all but the baby to bed and he’ll crash fast when I get home and nurse him.

I intend to spend this month working on Christmas for those I love and taking care of ME for a change. The rest is II’s problem for now.


II’s best friend died this week.

II and his best friend co-moderated an online community for those with the same disease as our son M. Their friendship spanned several years but only online. Yes, she was female, but truly there was no affair with this woman. I knew her as well. I spent time in chat with her. I PMd her. I spoke on the phone with her. There was never anything inappropriate between II and this woman. She had too much integrity to ever allow such nonsense.

In fact, before she died, he did tell her that he was going to medical school. He told her that this disease she has had and shared with M was the final push on an 8 year dream that he could no longer ignore nor deny. She was thrilled and shouted his secret from the rooftops. She was proud of him, and she helped shaped him in this dream.

But, she did NOT know about his failings. He did not tell her. He could not. She was dying. He loved her like the sister he never had. And, he did not want her final thoughts of him to be disappointment for his horrifying failings. She would have verbally beaten him up for causing this pain to ME, and he knew it. I was okay with that decision. It served no purpose to tell her. It would have hurt their friendship. And, it could have potentially caused her unnecessary stress in her final days to have known.

But, II’s best friend come to within 5 hours of where we live back in August. She was coming to meet up with another friend of theirs. And, the plan was that we had respite for the kids. We were going to suprise her and come visit for the weekend, bringing only the 2 babies for her to love on.

We had all the funds and arrangements made this summer. We had the money carefully set aside. And, 3 weeks before we were to go, our bank account ‘lost’ a lot of money without explanation. We couldn’t pay our bills and were forced to use that trip money to make ends meet.

I felt so awful back in July to have to tell II we couldn’t go. I felt like the bad guy. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this would be our last chance for II and his best friend to meet face to face on this earth. We both knew this would be her final trip and she would die before spring.

I still feel so very awful about this. Right now, I’m struggling mightily with guilt. I was the one who cancelled the trip. I was the one who made the final decision that it couldn’t happen….and yet…

I couldn’t explain where that money went missing back in July. Today, I know exactly where that money went. I know what truly cost us the trip to meet II’s best friend. Its wasn’t truly my decision to call it off. It was the missing several hundred dollars in the bank account.

One massage parlor visit end of June…$180. One Craig’s List hooker mid-July…$150. Overdraft fees for the legitimate bills that bounced after those recreational activities were paid for…~$350. There went our trip funds to meet his best friend….into his addiction/acting out behaviors.

I feel guilty. But, I have spent the last several days verbally telling myself I didn’t really do this. I didn’t really cost him meeting his best friend in the world before she did. He did.

Its a hard price to pay for him. Not as hard as the pain he has caused me is. But, a hard price and a raw pain right now as he grieves his friend and grieves the lost opportunity to have met her, embraced her and been able to say hello and good-bye in person.

We haven’t yet even talked about this. The day she died, I knew he needed some time off to himself. I nearly sent him out alone. He has been occasionally running errands without an escort now. My gut told me not this time, not alone in this grief. So he and C ran errands for about 2 hours that day. I can’t give him more. I can give him moments by himself in the house. But, I cannot let him go out and grieve. I know far too well what he has done with those opportunities for far too long. I know he’s hurting and I know if I let him go out he could tank everything, even though he’s reassured me repeatedly that he’s not even tempted.


The hearth in my living room is gorgeous now. Its several colored Italian clay tiles mixed to look like a cobblestone. It was the tiles I was slowly accumulating for my kitchen floor…the some day remodel that was planned for my kitchen.

Life fell apart and I can’t live here anymore. It didn’t make sense to buy something else to re-tile the hearth, and I didn’t have anywhere near enough to actually do the kitchen floor in them.

The hearth is gorgeous. Everyone who has seen it says so. I’m glad it looks st good in a finished surface as it did in my head. But, that’s all I’m glad about.

New oak cabinets, stained in dark hickory stain. Travertine tiles going down on the kitchen floor. Granite countertops with an undermount sink that will be installed Christmas Eve. Even stainless steel appliances.

He wants me to be happy about these things. The dreams I had, the remodels on this house we were doing slowly as we had the cash, its all getting done with our life savings NOW. Originally, we planned on trying to at least get our shirts out of this house with all these upgrades. The market is so bad locally that we’re quite a bit upside down. But, we looked at the market again and realized that we could pay our mortgage for 4-6 months and then what? Foreclose on the house? I did think about that option. But, I simply don’t want that on my record. That might be HIS appropriate consequence for his behavior, but its not a consequence I want to face for my future.

So, we’re going to rent this house out instead. We can get most of the costs of the house covered in rent. And, the property managers we talked to all felt with the upgrades in place, they could have the house rented within 30 days of when its ready to go on the market. They say the banks aren’t giving anyone mortgages now, so everyone is being forced into renting. The rental market is exploding locally and 4bedroom/3baths are extremely hard to find in the rental market. When they come available, they rent like hotcakes.

Now, instead of my dreams being poured into this house, my only thought with every dollar spent is how durable it is. I’m not putting in Granite countertops because I like them, nor because they are a hot commodity and will increase the rental demand for the house. I had intended to put in polished concrete countertops actually. But, I know there is virtually nothing a rentor can do to granite to damage it. And, the granite comes with a 15 year warranty if I’m wrong and there is some way it can be damaged.

I spent several hours today trying to decide whether to go with a glasstop electric stove, or a gas stove. The kitchen is wired for either. Ultimately, I decided there is less damage someone can do to a gas range than to a ceramic cooktop so gas it is. I hate gas personally. I’m surely not putting gas in the kitchen for me.

At one point, he said to me, be a little excited. Why? Five years of hard effort to save and scrimp into that retirement account. Most of what has been cashed out is to correct the debt he accumulated, who knows how. The rest is going into getting this house on the rental market and getting us moved. What is there for me to be happy about in all of this?

My dreams, my security, my future robbed by the selfish acts of the person I thought I was partnered with to make this life better. There’s nothing to be happy about to me right now.

And, what little joy I could get in that I’m going back to school. Well, I spent most of today arguing a stupid freshman requirement that the U has put a hold on my admissions over and they won’t take logical proof that I met their requirement a decade and a half again. If the Chair of the English Dept can’t be logical and reasonable before Thursday morning and tell Admissions they are smoking something, I get to drive an hour away to take a high school proficienty test in Reading and Writing skills and pay $50 for the stupid priviledge. I made a 30 on English on my ACT, a 36 on Reading. The U doesn’t care. My ACT scores are more than 7 years old so they are considered invalid. Right, because I lost my language skills in those extra 8 years there, right?

I guess I’ll get through this one just like everything else. But right now, I see my rosebushes and I feel like such a fool. The last time I bought a house, I finally worked up the nerve to believe we were there to stay and planted rosebushes…and we moved the next year. That one wasn’t his fault. 9/11 hit. The auto industry tanked. We had to move where the jobs went. But, I finally felt safe and secure and I planted my rosebushes again last spring. And now I’m leaving them again. I’ve thought about getting huge pots for them, but I can’t get pots that big this time of year. And, if I dig them up, I just have to put something else in their place. So once again, I trusted and planted my rosebushes…and all my dreams were crushed again.

Merry Christmas

Its been a recurring theme I’ve cried out since this nightmare began. I don’t feel II cherishes me anymore. He professes to love me, but I’m not convinced he truly does. But, he seems unable to cherish me any longer.

For most of this nightmare, I’ve been unable to fathom how he cherished me on the first of September but not on the first of October. How could discovering his sins cause him to suddenly lose the ability to cherish me.

I do truly get now how this has happened, how forcing him to face his sins took down the walls he compartmentalized his life in. And, now the ugliness he hid from hits him squarely in the face every day and he can’t pretend to be the man I loved anymore.

But, still I hoped for a miracle this Christmas. Just some little sign that he took a moment and focused on me for once. Something little to tell me that he is at least trying to cherish me again.

He has taken over the efforts of getting this house ready and us moved. But, that is not about cherishing me. That is about trying to save this family and his position in this family.

He has finally taken to helping with baby J at night. After 10.5 months of doing it alone, I could not take his absolute disconnect and my own extreme sleep deprivation with an infant who still only sleeps half the night–the wrong half for a night owl like me.

I promised II and myself that while he is fighting for his own healing, I would not continue to beg for intimacy from him. I would understand that he is broken and needs healing. And, I am doing that in my head.

I told II in October if he wanted the kids to have Christmas, he would have to do it. Instead, I did Christmas for the kids. I gave him detailed lists when I needed him to do something. I bought him gifts even as it felt like knives in my feet to do it because the children will notice of he is forgotten. I bought my own gifts from him so he didn’t have to pretend to be intimate and considerate because again the children would notice if I were forgotten as well.

He found a sale on wedding bands and asked to replace our rings. I agreed the idea is a good one. We bought them, and he is wearing his. I took my rings off for the moment. This change was a good excuse for the kids, along with my surgery for Carpal Tunnel on the 31st. Privately, I told him, I can’t put another ring on unless and until I feel like it will actually matter this time. I’m not there yet.

Many, many years ago, I accepted that I could not hold II responsible for failing to meet needs I did not express to him. I do understand he is not a mind-reader. But, I have expressed how desperately I need to feel cherished and how taken for granted I feel now.

I didn’t have something specific in mind, honestly. I just hoped for a miracle for Christmas. I hoped he would take the time and effort to do something, big or small, to let me know he does still cherish me.

He didn’t even take the effort to buy me a Christmas ornament. Its been our tradition since our first Christmas together. He buys me an ornament because when we started we had none. Our tree is now full because we buy one for each child each Christmas. But, they will take those with them and eventually leave my tree empty again if those are the only ornaments on my tree.

The children love to see what he buys me each year. They will notice this tradition is missing. Its the one thing I didn’t specifically lay out FOR him. I assumed since its been 12 years, he knew he was supposed to do it.

So, no, the hope for a miracle is once again tampled upon. He didn’t do the one thing he knew he was supposed to do for me. He definitely didn’t devote any thought power into anything extra and unknown just to take the time and effort to remind me that I am cherished.

I sit here tonight not angry, just broken…again. I feel abandoned, forsaken, trampled upon and so totally unloved by the one person in this world that was supposed to cherish me always. And every time I accept yet another thoughtless and heartless act he doles out to me, I wonder if this is all there is between us anymore? Why do I continue to hope that I might someday be graced with the crumbs he leaves behind? Why do I let myself hope that we can actually restore this marriage and dare to think he might act in any manner other than how he treats me now?

Everything he has done in the last 3 months, he did for these children, for this family. But, there is nothing he does specifically for me anymore…nothing. All he can give me is sorry, constantly, persistently and yet without any change in how he relates to me personally. What is the point of that anymore?

Love is an action, not a word. II has lots of words but few actions that show love to me anymore. Why am I still here?


I have gone back and reviewed my materials for spousal recovery. I have reviewed the signs of true recovery versus false recovery. I have reviewed my boundaries which were laid forth when I discovered this was the path I needed to walk.

I have determined that he has relapsed in recovery. He is not acting out sexually. But, he is merely sober and not in genuine recovery at this point in time. He has also violated at least 3 of the most foundational boundaries of reconcilation which I laid forth at the start of this.

I have written him a letter. Perhaps the hardest letter I have ever had to write. Once I give it to him, I cannot take back my boundary enforcement. But, it is my belief that because of his signs of relapse, though I do recognize that he remains sober it is different from recovery, and because of his direct violations of my boundaries set forth for reconcilation, he has opted for the consequence of these choices.

The consequence I laid for for him from the beginning was Plan B. When we started, I could only imagine he would violate my boundaries if he were actively acting out sexually again. I have come to realize that is not at all the case. I finally get what the term dry drunk means. That is where he is currently stuck.

I have spent the last hour in prayer after days of heartbreak, of crying out to II and to God, of being on my knees lost, alone and broken. I have decided I am going to accept that he has in fact violated my boundaries and as such the consequence must play out.

I am envoking Plan B formally, and in writing at this point. I am open to reconcilation in the future if he returns to true recovery and if he does so without either exiting this marriage or acting out again sexually. However, I am making a condition of any future discussino of reconcilation to require at least 90 days of effort in genuine recovery by II. And, I’m stipulating that this genuine work of recovery must be confirmed by a 12 step sponsor and a personal therapist.

He has currently dropped out of SA, has not sought out a therapist and has excused his behaviors because of the turmoil our lives have entered. Excuses are simply not acceptable. I have to learn to stand strong and to enforce my boundaries. I cannot control his choices nor his actions. I can, however, guard my heart and my future.

Someone not in genuine and proactive recovery cannot be in genuine intimacy emotionally nor physically with another person. That is the fate of an addict. He is an addict and he is not in recovery. I am disengaging. I pray in the future he does decide to fight for himself, for this marriage and for this family. However, at this point, I will co-habitate and co-parent, nothing more.

My heart is broken. But, my resolve to maintain my own emotional health and healing has to be stronger than my love for this man. Excusing him only makes it all worse and returns all of us to the cycle that brought us to this brink in the first place.