He saw his Psychiatrist today…who was NOT surprised. He’s a Psych. He deals with Bipolars. What’s to be surprised about?
So, the Psych wrote his ADA letter while II was sitting there and its already delivered to HR. I guess I wait to hear if the new work schedule starts this week or not.

This will not only free him to get the therapy he needs but will free up time for him to spend time working on this battered marriage and this family.

Psych added a new med, Amblify. Its supposed to assist stabilizing the cycling but it also works on the OCD and really works on the Compulsions. He thinks the Compulsions from the OCD was the biggest contributor to what II spiralled into.

He also gave II a referral to another Psych that specializes in exactly what II managed to do to himself. He said that obviously II doesn’t need to see 2 Psych’s but to go see the other one to get a referral for a therapist to work with.

Far, far better than the first therapist II say 2.5 weeks ago who called him a SA, told him to go back to his Psych, refused to treat him and referred to a FEMALE Sex Addiction therapist (yeah, so NOT going to send him to a female therapist for this issue and ALL the literature says that’s a hugely bad idea).

Psych seems to think this is just par for the course with his mental health and easily managed IF he’s honest so Psych can actually manage it.

I have heard great things about Amblify though. I actually figured with 2 Bipolars and a ADHD/OCD in this house someone was eventually going to end up on this drug. I have been surprised that M’s Psych hasn’t tried it yet, but he has done SO well on his Zyprexa that we haven’t gone there. I have recently wondered if E was going to end up on it for her OCD though. Really not surprised II ended up on it. Grateful for excellent health insurance though. The Psych said his cash patients are having to pay $400 a month for this drug and it truly is one that often nothing else works as well as it does.

Oh, Psych did ask II how he pulled this feat off, where he found the sex and where he found an SA group as he wasn’t aware there was one here in town. No reaction to the information so I don’t know if he was testing II to see if he was being sincere and honest or if he was filing information away for treating other patients as well. He did take a note that there is now an actual SA group in town and where and when it meets.

Hm. So after coming home, Dh spoke more in-depth about his Psych appointment.

Psych says Dh is NOT a Sex Addict. Says it is merely the Compulsive nature of his Bipolar manifesting in Hypersexuality. He said he thought he could likely just tell DH to TAKE HIS MEDS but when Dh pointed out that he stopped taking the meds and went spiraling out of control because they weren’t working well enough, that is when he added the Amblify and gave him the referral to the other Psych for a therapist to address his past issues.

Psych says he doesn’t fit the key components of an addict, mainly he doesn’t have an addictive personality. He says when in mania with Hypersexuality at play, he will exhibit a lack of impulse control and viola, ruin his life and everyone who loves him.

On the one hand, it confirms my suspicion that maintaining tight control of his mental health is paramount to keeping his behaviors under control. On the other hand, I don’t want Dh to think he doesn’t need to do the hard work of dealing with his past issues and why he acted out in *this* way when he was struggling.

How will I know

We talked about that last night and he says there’s not a chance he’s going to do anything but work on all his issues. He says knowing his problem is primarily rooted in his mental health gives him tremendous hope that working on his issues and being 100% complaint on his mental health will likely get him fully out of the hole he has created.

I then asked him what assurance I have that he will forever remain 100% complaint on treating his mental illnesses. His response was that he always thought the worst that would happen if he wasn’t 100% fighting and complaint on his mental health was that he would kill himself. HE would get hurt, but we would carry on.

He never realized until this that by not being 100% complaint on his meds he could cause indescribable pain to the person he loves more than life itself. That he has realized he has caused me pain far worse than death and that he never, ever wants to cause me that kind of pain before. What his Psych got him to understand is that if he doesn’t tell his Psych what is really going on and doesn’t take his meds, he will hurt me again, hurt me horribly. He says he could not live with ever hurt me like this again.


II has been home with the flu since Thursday. But, he checked his work email yesterday evening. His ADA request has been approved and HR merely needs to know which week he intends to start the 4 day work week.

I am actually thinking on his first Friday off, I’m going to schedule to see my OB instead of his therapy. The doctor he saw did not test him for Chlymydia nor Gonnorhea and I would like to get tested for both of those ASAP. I think I’m going to ask for HPV and HIV testing as well. I hate to do it. And, he took the testing for me already and his tests were clear…for now. He has 11 months he has to continue to follow-up on the testing. And, I’d just like to have my own testing done anyway, for my own sake and safety.

Praise the Lord, I am not at risk for HepB because I was vaccinated when I worked as a nurse. And, the only one I need follow-up testing on is HIV at that point, which I may or may not let him go back for repeat testing and get my own follow-up if he shows positive.

I say all of that. But, I don’t know if I *can* go to my OB and ask for HIV testing. I know most of my doctors routinely tested me in pregnancies. But, the last time *I* had to go ask for voluntary testing was after I was raped. So, I may let him do the follow-up on that one and just get the 2 he was not tested for with my Pap screening.

God have mercy. I should NOT be having to think about this again. I can hoestly say that while I start to believe we might make it ultimately, this betrayal hurts worse than my rape did. After my rape, I swore I would never trust men again. I trusted one man and this is what happened. Not a good feeling, at all.


So, I’ve been trying to process for nearly a week that his Psych said this is NOT genuine Sex Addiction. My initial fear was that he would take that declaration as license to not bother to fight this as an addiction, to merely take his magic pills and carry on about his life.

But, he has been very adhamant that he IS going to therapy and it WAS recommended by his Psych. And, for now he is going to SA not because he truly feels like he fits in but because he wants the accountability and a sponsor, especially while he works through some things in therapy.

Thing is, his actions say addiction. But, his mental processing behind his actions I already knew did NOT say addiction. His Psych has been his doctor for 3 years now. He knows II and he knows his mental health better than anyone, including me. We pay out of pocket for this Psych BECAUSE he has a repetoire with II and knows him so well. And, while I want to scream and discredit him for saying this is not true addiction, I just can’t do that.

So, today I was processing again. It is a fact that 6 months prior to discovery I was pouring over the finances almost daily. Now, I knew if he was doing something he was going to be smart enough to hide it in the accounts. But I was still pouring over the finances because we were bleeding money, and we had been for about 18 months. I told several friends this year that I KNEW we were bleeding money and I couldn’t figure out why. And I was pouring over the finances because I knew if he were shopping through manias he wasn’t going to bring the evidence into the house just as surely as I knew he would doctor the accounts to hide it.

That means I have to be honest with myself. Why was I pouring over the finances for so long? Because I thought he was shopping through manias. I thought he was not being honest about being maniac and I knew that Bipolars exhibit their manias either through money or sex.

He has always had hypersexuality in the past in manias. Why was I looking for a shift to shopping and not looking for evidence of sex? I KNEW he gets hypersexualized when he’s in manias. And, while he has been telling me for over a year that he is NOT cycling, I knew in my heart he wasn’t being honest. Why wasn’t I looking for evidence of hypersexuality and sex?

For the simple fact that I trusted him implicitly. We made an agreement 12 years ago that if he was struggling with hypersexuality during manias he would come to ME to fill that need. I have always had a naturally higher libido than him and I can easily meet his need for hypersexuality in manias.

I trusted this man that if he was struggling with mania, he would come to me and tell me and we would address it. I trusted he would never look outside the marriage and since he wasn’t coming to me, I discounted that he would be displaying hypersexuality.


His first step in this long nightmare involved a business trip, too much alcohol and a country where prostitution was legal and the woman continued to hit him up repeatedly as he drank through the evening. His first step was a classic slip that I suspect a lot of business men fail on when alcohol is involved.

Then he didn’t tell me about slip up #1. After that he was maniac, his guilt fed the manias and the illicit nature of what he kept seeking continued to fuel the full cycle. At that point, if he came back to me for hypersexuality struggles, I would know he hadn’t been coming to me and I would have figured out what was going on. He convinced himself the truth was too hard for me to hear.


The greatest irony is that when his cycling got under control via his sleep disorder, there have only been 3 encounters since that point. All 3 of those encounters were bizarrely compulsive. His Psych says while he does have OCD, there is a compulsive nature to Bipolar in and of itself. Not cycling was NOT the be all/end all of his Bipolar struggle. It was one facet.

I guess what I am realizing is that I CAN see what his Psych is saying. And as much as I felt blindsided by all of this, I knew this was a risk by loving this man in the first place. I knew I could get hurt, he could fail, the Bipolar could win battles or even the war. I knew all of that before he ever asked me to marry him. Right now, I feel like the Bipolar has been winning a lot of battles that I didn’t even know we were supposed to be fighting. But, I knew what I signed up for. I just let myself get complacent because he was doing SO well and I was SO busy living the lives we intended to live and dreamed of living.

I think that is one of the biggest reasons I am still here. I knew what I signed up for. I never imagined how badly this would hurt to live it. But, I promised him I would stand beside him as long as he fought this disease. He wasn’t giving in when he fell down. He wasn’t been 100% honest so that we could help him. But, he WAS fighting just the same. I cannot fathom how I can now say to him that I only meant I would stand beside him when this doesn’t hurt so much.

He’s an amazing father. He’s a good husband. But, he IS Bipolar. He was diagnosed at age 13. He got it from his father and the horrific childhood he endured at the abuse of his mother, the inappropriate blurring of emotional boundaries she always put him through and apparently a molestation she concealed from him for 28 years to avoid the mess, it all sealed his fate that he would inherit his father’s mental illness. He made sure I KNEW about this before he ever asked me to marry him. He even told me about this 3 weeks before he proposed so that I had time to really and truly think about what I was getting involved with. Until me, he never intended to marry because he was concerned what his mental health would do to someone who loved him this much. If it hadn’t been for me, he wouldn’t have married. If this marriage dies, he will never marry again. But, he disclosed this to me. I knew what demons battle for his mind and soul a long time ago.

And, in the end, I’m realizing his Psych is right. For 5 years, this disease was winning because he wasn’t telling anyone that he was losing the battles. Its time to stand up, dust my knickers off and stand beside him through this battle again.

If he were abusive, were unloving, were a lousy husband in general or weren’t fighting this, I could see walking away. He’s none of those things. He’s just a man with a really awful mental illness that he’s fought most of his life and never meant for it to cause him to stumble so deeply that he would hurt me so significantly.

Life is what it is. If this is truly a manifestation if his Bipolar, then we have to redouble our efforts to make sure he is getting the mental health care he needs no matter what else happens in our lives. So many times I begrudged having to pay his Psych out of pocket, so many times I grumbled that he wouldn’t travel to one that took our insurance. But I get it now. He needs someone who knows him and whom he feels safe with to get proper care. We pay out of pocket if that’s what it takes for adequate care for him. Micah’s journey with this disease has taught me the value of a working relationship with your Psych for this one.

The doctor says its not true addiction, not in its core. The doctor is the only one qualified to actually diagnosis this. And, he isn’t in the camp that discredits sex addiction as a true diagnosis. He simply recognizes what I’m still slow to accept and that is that yes, Bipolar can in fact cause a man to do what this man has done. And this man did it because he wasn’t stable, his meds weren’t working well enough and he needed a med adjustment but even he didn’t understand just how significantly his mental illness was playing into his struggles


I went to my support group tonight and I just do NOT fit in.

I need some time away from this family with others who understand what I’ve been through. And, for that reason I’m still going to the group. But, I sit in a room full of wives who believe all their husbands have done is looked at porn. When I open my mouth, most of them drop their jaws.

So, tonight what I wanted to talk about was my struggle that I have to walk into my OB’s office next week and voluntarily request HIV and full STD testing. I have not done that since I was raped at 16. And, this task is really triggering big emotions in me right now. It MUST be done. He was tested and he is clear. But, there are several tests they do not test men for that I still need tested for. And his last encounter was just over a month ago now. He has to have follow up HIV testing for 11 more months. And, I have to decide whether after this I will simply trust his testing on that, if I get a hard copy in writing. Or whether I want to be responsible for my own health and safety even though it IS triggering me right now.

These wives think their husbands are looking at porn, nothing more. STD testing isn’t even on their radars. II quit going to this meeting because the husbands are in their meeting disclosing WAY more than just looking at porn but the program is very, very big on concealing details from the addict’s spouse so these wives, even if their husbands do work the program will never be given full disclosure on whether they are at risk for STDs or not.

But, I don’t know if long-term I can take the looks everytime I share because I can see in their eyes that they are telling themselves their husbands *just*………..

II tried to tell me that one too. I told him if he was going to lie to me to get out the door. Either fully and brutally tell me the TRUTH or don’t waste my time and insult my intellegience with lies.

I don’t know. I’m not co-dependent. I’m not stuck in denial nor in blaming myself. Tonight’s lesson was all about boundaries. I had those covered within 4 hours of disclosure. I hear the leaders telling wives every week that they cannot fix their husbands but he has to want it, seek it and work it for himself. Don’t have to tell me that one. I already knew that. I just don’t feel like I’m in the same place as these other wives. And I’m not sure if long-term they really can relate to where I am now.

But, I’m still there. Because this is something I can do for me. And, this is something I need to do for me right now. Long-term, I suspect I won’t be there. For now, I am. Its better than nothing but its still a bit frustrating to me.


II and I talked during lunch today. I hurt physically all night last night and was unable to sleep. Its a similiar response to what he had Monday night after his SA meeting. He thinks this group likely IS doing me a world of good, and far more than I feel like it is at the moment. He thinks both of our emotions are SO raw and our journey is so new that it dregs up all the negative and all the grief where we are in processing right now.

He wants me to keep going. But, he was emotionally drained and couldn’t sleep Monday night and I was that way last night. So he wants us to work out plan of action to protect each of us on our respective support group nights, mainly a way for each of us to decompress and an agreement that the other one will do the bulk of the parenting on that night as a hedge of protection for the other one.

Did I mention that I can actually SEE changes in this man? This has always been a man with a wall around his heart that he wouldn’t let anyone in. I accepted that reality but I didn’t realize it put us at risk for this very experience. He has never been in-tune to his emotions and very resistive to suggestions to try and process where and who he is emotionally. Three times in the last week, I have watched him verbally start processing to make himself emotionally aware of himself and of me. Its amazing to watch this develop and its definitely not something I EVER thought I would see in him.

We had a very intense fight (not words of anger per se, not screaming ust intense communication and raw emotions) Monday night, basically I lost patience with the ME processing he is going through and he was still decompressing from SA so he was edgy before I lost patience. It was startling to watch him stop in the middle of the conversation to start verbally reminding himself of everything he’s learning about emotions, intimacy, his addiction, his behaviors and this marriage. He then started plugging himself into the information he’s been learning. When he still couldn’t solve what was bugging me he attempted to plug what he knows of me into this paradigm. And, when he still couldn’t come up with the solution he then asked me to help him plug myself into the paradigms he is learning.

He’s not only reading materials on his addiction, on his issues, on his path to recovery and on rebuilding the marriage but he’s retaining and implementing what he’s learning. That is something I NEVER thought I would see from this man…ever.

Recovery Nation stated in the partner’s workshop that as the addict worked through recovery, I would see these very changes. I wasn’t convinced I really would. I was shocked in the middle of our conversation to see exactly that response. And, I’m not even sure he was aware he’s doing it vocally and that its the third time in a week I’ve watched him stop and do exactly this.


II’s boss is an IDIOT. He got word 48 hours ago that II had invoked ADA. He’s not even legally allowed to know what it was invoked upon, and II reminded HR that he would hire a lawyer if the details of his claim were released to any of his 3 bosses because he knew they would try to build a case to fire him.

So, 48 hours after they got the notification from HR, one of his bosses is trying to write him up for missing a meeting yesterday. Problem is, he currently has 2 job positions. One is supposed to be finishing as it was Project Manager for an implementation program. The new position is not supposed to be starting until Jan. But, they are making him work BOTH jobs right now. So, he missed a meeting on the new position because he was stuck trying to fix something with the current position during that meeting.

He was working 60-70 hour weeks with ONE position. He already figured they were going to expect 80-90 hours for both positions and once they got that out of him, they weren’t going to be happy with him scaling back when the current position completed. But, in invoking ADA, he will be working a 50 hour work week. They cannot fire him for what he cannot accomplish in his 50 hours because that would be discrimination.

So yeah, boss is trying to write him up to build a case to fire him. Stupid move. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Dh has already alerted HR to the situation. I really do feel horrible for him. This is exactly part of why he fight so hard and so long to not invoke ADA.

But, the reality is that he has sacrificed himself for his work. He did it because he felt a tremendous burden as the sole breadwinner in this house. And, we are fixing that. But, he has sacrificed his mental health and his marriage for his jobs. He hasn’t balanced well and he HAS to put what is a true priority as such now.

Since the VP and Division Managers were notified of his ADA accomodation 48 hours ago, he has now had 2 hostile incidents with 2 different of the 3 men. If it happens again, he will likely warn HR that he is aware he has legal options for this behavior.


Friday was his one month sobriety. I thought I would feel relief. Instead, I basically started spinning on Thursday and just started to feel like I’m calming back down last night. I felt like I was thrown back into the first day again.

Then, I’ve been single parenting all weekend which has been extemely rough for me.

But, I’m still standing. After the last 3 days, I’m truly not sure how, but I am.

And, I’m engaging the kids more, doing so in a healthy fashion more. I’m getting there. Its hard and sometimes I’m clueless as to how I’m doing any of it. But, I am. I even took 7 kids to Target yesterday and lived to tell about it. I’m having to rely upon the kids to keep things going a lot right now. I feel awful at how much this is impacting them in my inability to mother as I always have. But, its just the best I can do right now.

M starts school in a week and 3 more follow after Christmas.

I gave II the Christmas list last Monday and told him if there is to be Christmas this year, its now his job. He should feel blessed I did the planning in July and all he has to do is follow the instructions.

Friday I gave II all the stuff for C’s speech therapy IEP and told him it needs to be done by mid-week for his IEP meeting on the 9th. I simply cannot get it done, its too overwhelming and too detailed for me at this point.

I did pull together everything for M’s IEP so at least I got something accomplished. And, I started putting boundaries back in place with L and M who were showing clear signs that I had not been doing so under all this stress.

Today, I’m paying C and Ch to clean the house, since I’m still greatly struggling with that task. And, II is still in charge of most meals because its hard for me to focus and do them.

Friday night I was wondering when is it time to go ask my doctor for ADs. But, this morning, I’m feeling functional again and not thinking I need them. I’m thinking I need to start recording my moods in my journal so I can see concretely if I’m slipping into depression. Having bad days is normal, having several in a row is also normal. One of my recovery books says if I’m having those days for 2 weeks straight then its time for ADs from the doctor.

I’d love to say I’m fine. The world is fine. That would be a lie. I’m here. I’m up, and when M goes down for nap I’m going to shower and get dressed which is one requirement I have made for myself every single day to make sure I am NOT wallowing in misery and stink. I think that’s the best I can do right now. Its a long road to recovery.

One Month Sobriety

Oh my goodness, II reached one month of sobriety! It was a huge roller coaster ride for me. It really threw me back all the way to the beginning to live through this anniversary. I was not expecting that. I actually ran away by myself at least 4 times in less than a week because it was SO hard to function as I went through this. II took care of the kids, supported me and just kept loving me. He did not, Praise the Lord, celebrate his sobriety by binging with a strip club or other such nonsense. Instead, he celebrated with a 7.5 mile hike on the Appalachian Trail and his 13 year old son and his Boy Scout troop.

He said it did him a world of good to be up before the sun on the top of a mountain while the troop was still asleep and he was able to think, be by himself and reflect on things.

Then, last night he informed me that his Abilify is actually working. And he feels GREAT, to use his own word. He says he’s stuck at a 6 emotionally without the compulsive thoughts and the impulse control issues. And, he says he feels better and more at peace than he ever has in his life.

As he stabilizes on this Bipolar, I begin to see why his Psych said this is NOT true sexual addiction but merely how a Bipolar acts out when they are not stable.

After my roller coaster and II’s mountaintop, I actually have hope for the future that I truly feel inside my soul right now. And, while I have always loved II and strangely didn’t stop with all that’s been going on, I feel deeply in love with him as I watch him fight this disease AND support me while I struggle to heal from what he did to me. I know how raw and painful my emotions are. I desperately want to run away from myself. I think it must take a special courage to stand and watch this pain when you know you caused it in the first place.

Will we truly make it? I still don’t know. But, I realize that this is what they mean by healing. I’m a little better than I was before I headed into the nightmare of his 1 month anniversary. I’m a little stronger and a little less in pain. And, I realize that while this process for me is slow, I’m walking it and I can feel a change in my spirit. I felt so spiritually alone before the weekend. I kept crying out to God, but I also felt that he was somewhat to blame and I did not feel him standing beside me, even though I knew he was. This weekend, several people reached out to me to let me know they are continuing to pray for me. And, I felt I was not alone. And by the time the third person told me they were still praying, I began to feel God again. I should have known I wasn’t going to feel him beside me but carrying me. Right now, I can feel that. And, it means more than just about anything else to me.


They did it. Without a single write up in his file, with a spotless record and with performance reviews that rate him greater than satisfactory for the last 5 years, including the last one in July….
they have officially threatened II’s job less than a week after they were notified that he had invoked ADA and in the first week he started working his adjusted work hours.

I don’t have all the details of the meeting. But, I hope he’s staying level headed, notifying HR of the direct threat and looking for an attorney to hire NOW.

Actually, it might be just the fire under our rears we need to leap where we were already leaping rather than waiting.
I think we’re going to just GO rather than waiting for summer. Still crunching numbers, still putting plans in place but I feel a great deal of peace right now.