Monday, June 14, 2010

What if you could

go back?

While this move and change in our lives has absolutely been the best choice to try and restore our marriage and reclaim our dreams, its also been the hardest thing we have EVER done financially and emotionally.

Two weeks ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I'm tired of stressing over whether the bills will be paid, over the fact that our house is not selling and we're completing the deed in leu paperwork to pre-empt forclosure. I hate not owning a home. I miss my home. I miss the safety my children had. So, II went job searching, under the assumption that if he can secure a job, the mortgage holders will negotiate the mortgage with us so we can save the house and move home.

He did it Memorial weekend and there were no initial leads. Then, 2 leads for very sub-par positions came in last week. There were 3 recruiters calling him last week and never reaching him. One of them reached him today.

Its six years backwards in the career he built. Its driving an hour each direction for him, plus I would have to drive an hour to school as well now. It would definitely be the end of his dreams, but it would take us home.

It would also put II right back into the industry that fueled his sex addiction. And yes, that environment absolutely DID fuel his addiction. It would put him miserable, a massive pay cut, and us scraping and never having time to be together as a family again. I cannot go back to homemaker. So, I would have to continue my studies. And, if my school now is considered subpar for my field, the one I would have to transfer to is a joke. His life, his would all be over.

But, we would be home, and the children would have private health insurance, their friends, their activities...or what we could attempt to afford of them, better schools, back near my family...and right back in the town where we twice had DCFS called on us because of M's bizarre behaviors.

My instinct is to say no. We're okay today. We're good through October, in fact. November and December will be dicey unless we can make something more happen before then. And, I have NO idea how we'll pay for Christmas. But, since we've got all the bills paid until then, we can set aside what we earn now to cover those months. And, I believe I have a plan figured out to cover Christmas. It will be a very small Christmas, but it would be Christmas just the same. We've finally figured out the school situations here. The only person still unsettled is M, and the testing done last week should start to get him into a settled situation by fall.

There are four IT jobs at the medical center for which II is more and qualified for, all of which will pay at least what this position pays, two of them significantly more. If he wants to leave his dream, we agreed he would rebuild in IT and walk away from the manufactoring aspect of his career, for his sake as well as the family.

His only thought this morning is that he bought $50 in groceries this am and our kids were hungry. What he doesn't see is that our kids have refused to eat an entire fridge full of healthy left-overs. He brought $50 of junk food into the house and they consumed what should have been 3 days worth of junk food in one morning. This afternoon, I will be forced to throw at least $50 worth of left-overs away because they flat-out refused to eat them. That's not hungry. That's picky and stubborn and unhealthy. But, its NOT hungry.

I don't know. I'm torn. Financial security would be wonderful. Excellent health insurance at low cost would be heavenly again. Yet, we're just starting to restore this marriage and this family. I'm just starting to see a future where we are ALL present. I don't know if I want to lose our future to go rot back in our past again. I'm not sure that's healthy for any of us, not just II....who by the way has finally found the curve on As and is earning a high A this term and knows what it will take to earn them in the future as well.

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