Saturday, January 21, 2012

I need a vacation

There is a myth in the Quiverful world that if you leave that world, you will abandon everything you believe in this world, including your committment to your family. That is categorically untrue. This last week has been living testimony to the reality.

I am still quite good at sacrificing myself for the needs of my children. That was a mentality that II and I did very well. In fact, we sacrificed for our children far more than usual in the circles we were in. We still sacrifice for our children. It's learning to take care of ourselves that we still struggle with.

In the last week, I have had several dramatic medical issues with multiple children. All of this in the midst of my trying to arrange for a surgical procedure I need for ME. My need was not an emergency. However, it involved a quality of life issue that is rapidly becoming harder and harder for me to fully function as I grapple with it.

Throughout the repeated crisis of the children, I continued to wonder if I was doing the right thing by taking time, attention, and resources for my own health issues. I could walk away and ignore the issue. It won't go away, but for a little while longer, it won't completely take over my life. Of course, that is the path I took four years ago with the ovarian cyst. Just like the cyst, this one would escalate to the point it would become an emergency and require the removal of body parts if I ignored it.

Yet, the situation with several children was extremely serious. There was a helicopter, three different hospitals have been involved with issues. There was a heart wrenching discussion of DNR policies between II and I concerning a child. These things were not a common cold, not even the excitement of having Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease take out four kids at once.

Over and over again, I contemplated just cancelling my procedure. Over and over again, I hated myself for choosing to travel 2+ hours back to a beloved and trusted doctor who had both operated on me before, but was also well versed in my abuse history and my clotting disorder.

I feared that moving forward with addressing my needs might descalate an unstable child. I feared we didn't have the financial resources to allow me to seek this treatment out. I feared the friend who watched the children would run away and never be my friend again. Yet, I went through with the surgery.

The money is tight at this moment from having 2 hospitalization and my outpatient surgery in a week. The child I feared would destablize did exactly that and went inpatient. The friend has not disowned me, but she did get a massive headache. However, I addressed my health, and I did it before it reached the point that I could not function at all by my ignoring it until it took me down for the count.

I can't even say I'm proud of myself for putting me as something important too. I'm too exhausted, and the crisis some of my children are facing aren't any less significant because I took the time to take care of me. However, I DID address my own medical needs. And, next month, when I am not taken down for the count over this issue, I might remember to be thankful that I remembered that I am important as well. In six months, I expect it will start to hit me how life altering this decision was....when the crisis situations calm down and the children aren't misbehaving medically and mentally in response to my standing my ground and taking care of me as well for once.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you were able to take care of you. You motivate me to take care of me. <3