Friday, November 23, 2012


I cannot decide if I am okay working or if this might be the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. Daily, I remind myself that it took a full six weeks for baby J and I to both adjust when I went back to school three years ago.

I have the best childcare arrangements I have ever had for my babies before since I stepped into the arena of needing actual childcare. Ironically, it's also the cheapsts costs I've ever paid before, even after I offered her more than she charged because I was concerned she would lose money on my babies at the rate she quoted me. She provides homeschooling for L and she provides a write-up of the little ones day and what they ate every day she has them. They LOVE going there, more than they have liked any other childcare arrangements before now.

It does help to know my babies are in good hands and are deliciously happy while I am working. Even so....I'm just not sure if I am really okay with leaving my kiddos. My original plan was to work nightshift so I wouldn't require childcare for the kids. My original plan would have required I have the littles watch movies on the mornings I got off nightshift but to be fully here by the time the older kids got home from school.

I really, really wanted to only work two days per week and right now I am working three days per week. I was specifically hired for the purposes of expanding hours at my office. When we do that, there is a strong possibility that we will move to 12 hour shiftss and that would reduce my days to two per week. However, that is not a guarantee and for now I am working three days per week. Three days per week feels like too much time away from my babies. I feel disconnected and like I barely have time to see my kids before it's time for them to start getting ready for bed.

The other problem is that when I work three days per week, all of my errands, appointments, visits to schools get jammed into one of the two off days. I really don't get time off when I have to accomplish so many things while I'm technically off. I am hopeful this will settle down but right now it feels quite overwhelming.

As a nurse I am not easily reachable when I am working. Technically, possibly legally, I am supposed to get breaks morning and afternoon. However, I am a nurse. I don't get a break if patients require attention. I rarely actually get those breaks. I take lunch, and during lunch I check in with the kids, check to see if someone is trying to communicate with me and jam my food in as fast as I can. Lunch is only thirty minutes out of my shift.

Yet, the work.....I am REALLY good at what I am doing. We work with primarily chronica or terminal patients. Most days I have the opportunity to encourage someone who has trouble getting needles into their veins but is terrified of getting a port placed. Today, I even pulled up pictures of Ch's port so show a woman that you cannot SEE a port when it is not accessed. For twenty years, she has faced continual needs for a chronic cancer type condition. She's terrified that a port will take away form her quality of life. She was stunned to see how much a non-issue a port can be. I get to educate and reassure patients daily. I get to help them feel better in real and tangible ways when they are with us.

Then again working with terminal and chronic conditions, we have a nurse assigned the duty of reading the obituaries in the paper every day. We have to watch to see when our patients die. We had one first of the week coming for his last visit and will be starting with Hospice next week.

It's a good compliment to the reality that I wanted to work for Hospice and our only local hospice requires you hold the Bachelors in nursing, which I don't have. I am using the skills I am absolutely BEST at using. I can see that I make a tangible and immediate difference in the lives of those I work with every day. I am also so insanely busy at work that I don't remember to miss my babies.

I don't know what the outcome of this new adventure will be. I really am committed to sticking with this for six months. I really believe I cannot make a full opinion if I don't give this a full chance to work. I just cannot decide if this is something I want to be doing a year from now, or something I will do temporarily just to escape and to use my nursing skills again. I don't know.

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