Kali

Christmas is chaotic and amazing in our home. There are eight children here and one of them may be a teenager but he has never had a real Christmas in his life. He went from West Africa to a cult that shunned Christmas almost entirely. So, it was an honor to see him experience his very first real Christmas this year. It also added to the chaos.

In this time of our grief, I really did not expect much out of II. I had been careful and oh so grateful that for the first time in years I had my own income to buy gifts for him. These last three Christmases, I have taken joy not only in buying Christmas for this man but actually WANTING to do so. I no longer take it for granted after 2009 when I only bought what was necessary for the children to not understand that I prayed for his death every night when I went to bed.

II has been hit hard by grief for Micah, and since I have been working a tremenous burden of accomplishing Christmas also fell to him this year. I did not expect much for me.

Instead, this man I almost turned away from, this humble soul who put himself back together and won my respect and my love all over again, this man inducted me into his own personal Bad Ass Chick club this Christmas.

He gave me Kali, the Hindu Goddess of rebirth, among many other things. The more I read of this Goddess, the more honored I am that he would compare me to her. Funny how four years ago I would have taken deep offense at any non-Christian symbolism when comparing me and today I am speechless that my husband has honored me with both the necklace and the comparision.

Today we focus mostly on the joy and hold the tears for when the children are not surrounded by their Christmas. We do not forget where we have been, nor who is missing today. We have simply choosen to keep this holiday focused on these children. In the midst of that, II honored where *we* have been and his admiration for where I am going.