Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I have not disappeared per se. End of January, I was in a nasty car wreck. Thankfully, my seatbelt saved my life. However, my beloved 12 passenger van gave it's life to save mine. I was bruised from sternum to armpit and my bruises and bangs are still healing a month later now. Children have had needs that require attention. Therapy continues for multiple children, some for grieving, others for demmons they are working to lay to rest in their lives. The children are all thriving, which is honestly the most important thing.

In addition to all of that, I am back in school. The school I started is miserable. I am taking a mandatory orientation class where I am learning such critical information as how to determine a scholarly source, how to understand what plagarism is, how to properly use commas and cite sources. It's just thrilling to be treated as if I were an errant six year old who needed my hand held, and potentially slapped..........NOT.

The good news is that I have resisted the urge to poke my eyeballs out with a rusty grapefruit spoon, even if it does seem more appealing than this class has been. I have instead determined that this is simply not the right academic program for me. I have successfully argued that I do not require a basic statistics course after multiple semesters of higher math and social science research method coursework. I have been cleared to take Nursing Ethics for the second half of this semester, which will salvage my semester and dovetail into my new program nicely. I am currently researching my options for Graduate work, whether to go nursing or Sociology and where to do so. I must know and have my applications ready to submit by Christmas time. I am nervous but greately excited.

I have also settled into my work environment. I endured peer reviews and a requirement that I develop two professional goals for myself in the upcoming year. I even submitted to a peer review from the co-worker who despises me and politely listened to her comments whereby she admitted that she has not actually worked with me since before Christmas, but she finds my clinic skills to be abysmal. I didn't even breath a word about the reality that I find her to be ignorant and incompetent and clearly demonstrates what the difference between a seasoned versus a new graduate nurse is. She is still a new graduate, and a terribly dumb one to boot. However, I am no longer beneath her and officially come off probation within the next two months. I rarely work with her, and I have worked with finding my footing in the midst of overwhelming grief. It is clear that niether my boss nor my co-workers have any understanding of the raw grief involved in losing a child. However, it is also clear that I simply don't care what their understanding is, as at this point I have found my footing and am clearly equal to all of them.

II and I still cannot decide whether to stay where we are, or to return to our previous state. We cannot decide whether to accept his position for medical school or do what is easy and safe for the children. Now that my own health is *almost* stabilized, I can see a future with more than the dejection and misery I was lost in for the months after Micah died when I was so terribly sick. Yes, I have developed another autoimmune disorder. Yes, I will require not only my regular doctor but specialists. However, I am functional again and almost feel normal at this point. Most of the pills I now swallow every day are vitamins to compensate for the nutritional deficiets caused by my medical conditions and not the conditions themselves. I can, finally, see a point where I can function and thrive again.

I actually want to post a series of posts about my kids. I'm fiercely protective of my kids and I have no intention of giving identifying details about their lives. However, I feel an urge to show who these amazing individuals who have meant so much to my own strength and healing. If my life is a journey to find and care for me, it is a journey fueled by my role as their mother and my desire to show these kids by example so that one day they will automatically know how to take care of themselves and not have to learn in the painful manner which I have embarked upon. Each of these children are as unique individuals. I'm proud to be the mother. I often say the one thing I have absolutely done right in my life is to BE their mother.

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