Saturday, September 20, 2014

Living with mental illness

There's more than one child in this household living with mental illness struggles. However, for most of this year, there's one child who has struggled, who has not done well, who has at times held the household hostage with the struggles they have faced. I'm not going to name which child, that's not the point of what I'm writing. I don't even feel comfortable posting details of those struggles because while I'm fine with putting my information out there, I am not okay with putting all of their information, not even anonymously.

Since moving back south, one particular child has caused me to lose more sleep, has been in and out of treatments, interventions, therapy, and generally left me wondering when or if they would come through this current struggle. I realized today that like so many other things, you cannot see a corner turned in the moment that it turns. It is only in a post-analysis that you see patterns and trends and realize something has changed for the better and sustained that change long enough that you can identify it as improved.

The last several days, I have realized that my struggling child is starting to thrive better. Two of my children with significant issues I know will have to pay attention and seek health and self care for the rest of their lives. My mother's heart longs for some miracle that they might way up one day and not face these challenges, but intellectually I know that will not happen. I know my job as their mother is to provide care for their mental health now, but also to teach them how to advocate and care for their own needs so that as they become adults they will be able to take over those needs themselves.

I'm also realistic that not everyone with these struggles does succeed. II and I have plans in place that if ever either of these children cannot live independently, we know how to renovate this house so that we can create a studio apartment with a separate entrance for them to live and function as independently as possible while still under our protecting and guidance. We hope to never have it come to that for either child, but I am keenly aware of the percentage of homeless Americans who suffer mental health issues, as well as the fact that simply putting them in a bedroom in our home would infantalize them and stress us to levels we probably cannot comprehend. It is my genuine hope that if either of them does need to come as adults, then it will merely be a temporary measure, a safety net so that neither of them ever have to face homelessness. Thus why we want to renovate so that they have their own living space and retain some independence if they need us for that safety net.

With the spiral and struggles of this particular child this year, I had nearly given up hope to bring them back from the stress that this last move did to their psyche in pushing them over the edge. In July, we were discussing out of home placements for intensive therapy options for them. This week, I was able to tell their therapist that they had a good week and there was nothing concerning to report for the week. They may still need more intensive services. They might even need some time out of the home for intensive therapy. We haven't stopped all of the wheels that have been turning this year to provide as much support and options to help this child simply because of a good week.

Yet, I'm looking back over the last two months and I'm realizing that its been a slow upward trend since July. There are no overnight miracles here. Yet, there is interactions and behaviors in the home that are better, less out of control, less disrupting to the rest of the family. There are grades that are passing and even some that are returning to excelling levels. There are peer relationships that are normalizing instead of being chaotic. There is a child who when they had a complaint about treatment, rather than resisting and fighting they verbalized their complaints and we and their team responded by immediately making changes to respect and respond to those complaints.

There is no direct path through mental illness, especially in this nation. I certainly never imagined when I started down this road that somehow mental health issues in older children was going to become my forte. I never, ever imagined that every appointment with the children's Psychiatrist would begin to feel like a job interview as he tracks my personal progress through NP school as if he is contemplating adding a mental health NP when I become available to practice. I never imagined I would walk into a Psychiatrist's office and report this symptoms is becoming an issue, I think we need this specific medication. I don't want to try these other three options because I am concerned about these side effects impacting this specific child, so do you have a better idea or should we could with my assessment. I imagined even less that such a Psychiatrist would affirm my assessment and we would tweak and adjust treatments based upon my eyes and ears in the field with these children. I knew exactly what the Psychiatrist was doing when he trained me to be those eyes and ears for Micah. I just never imagined I would be facing using those skills in perpetuity for other children with other struggles.

Despite all of that, we are here. My children have hurts and struggles that I cannot ever fully wrap my brain around. They need me to be strong and assertive to support them in their struggles. They need me to remember when they are at their low points that it is temporary and they will move beyond them. They need me to remember when they are at their high points that falling into struggles again will not be the end of the world, that this is not a sprint we walk but a long, twisted journey and I am here to hold their hand every step of that journey.

Today, the mental illnesses are not what is winning in our house. Today, a child who has struggled the hardest in our move back south is better. Said child is not perfect, not miraculously healed, but better and trying to fight back to stability. This is all we can hope and ask for, and we celebrate in these small steps. When I realized a few days ago that the trend is going up, I told II I needed to remember that today this child is OKAY because tomorrow they might not be, but that won't take away from the fact that today they are.

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