I hate myself now

My sister is a very successful and well off Pediatrician. When my mother blew through Dad's massive inheritance and my father could no longer financially catch my brother everytime he did something stupid, he started going to my sister as if she was an open wallet. She finally had to get really harsh with him when she purchased family heirlooms from him and he attempted to get her to purchase them twice before giving them to her.

Then, everything happened in my parents marriage and my mother deliberately used money to cripple my father. Once again, my sister had to rescue a family member. The financial support she has provided my father has been insane. And everytime she thinks its done, there is more. She has actually written a legal IOU that Dad's attorney has submitted in the divorce proceedings. If mom is not ordered to pay it back, then sis intends to rip up the IOU and not require Dad to repay her. However, legally mom should be required to pay her back since she has withheld all financial support to Dad and the minor children in the last year.

However, I have often heard resentment from my sister about the money.

Until today, I have never asked my sister for help. Until last December we were fine. II made no where near what she made, but we were comfortable middle class and were going to do FINE getting through on our own.

Today, I don't have rent for December. The astronomical electric bills on this house have eaten every bit of the my rent money for that money ($2000 in four months, that's insane). II works IT consulting. I do data entry. He also does programming jobs when he can get them. He hasn't been as deligient at hunting those down as he should be. He's spent nearly a month trying to get a minimum wage job, and he's overqualfied. He actually had to search online for what the "correct" answers to the personality tests are because he was answering them like a manager.

Yesterday, we hit bottom in fear. He went out and in an hour in person secured a job as a pizza delivery drivery. However, he can only work 3 nights per week. If he's going to throw away his grades and his dreams for a job, he might as well go back to his career and make far more than minimum wage. They hired him on the spot and did orientation without warning...and he missed a Physics assignment because of it.

So, we went with plan B today. He's going to devote hours to intentionally securing programming work and we're going to squirrel every dime he earns into the December rent account. In theory, if he pushes it, he shouldd be able to earn the $1200 we need for rent. Once we get to January we're okay again. If he doesn't secure the work...then we're homeless, plain and simple.

Today, I wrote my sister and let her know if we can't save up the rent in the next two months, I will ask her for help. I hate myself for asking. I know how she feels when people ask her for monehy. I know she thinks I don't have any purpose for her anymore, but the reason I haven't visited was because I couldn't afford gas money and refused to ask her to pay my way there--like my brother and dad still do.

I also know she has the money, and I would rather destroy our relationship entirely than have my kids homeless for Christmas.

We have to get to January. In January, we get financial. In February we get our tax return. By March we will have my Federal grant money that the school refused to award me at the start of school because I have to have an income tax return to prove my current income. They assure me that my priority date continues to be when I filed my FAFSA this year, so the priority for the grant money will be hire and I'll get everything I'm entitled to recieved based upon our below poverty income level now. In June, he'll be done with his classes and done with his MCATs. He can work full-time from there onward, even if he does have to take a minimum wage job. Its getting through December that is scary right now. So I did the humbling thing. I warned my sister I might have to ask. As much as I hate myself, we both know she cannot and will not let her nieces and nephews be homeless. I just hope she believes me that we're doing everything we can to avoid having to ask.

The biggest challenge is that I cannot tell her what II did. Without that HUGE piece to this puzzle, she doesn't understand why we walked away from everything and put ourselves in this position to begin with. And, she feels rather smug in being judgemental of what we're doing. She needs to support me because she loves me, not because she knows II nearly destroyed this marriage even though he was taking care of us financially.