Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Breaking point

I knew when I started this journey that trying to balance family, a sick marriage, family of origin still in crisis and full-time college that the balancing act was going to be difficult. This week I am completely overwehelmed.

I had a major research paper and accompanying oral presentation due yesterday. I have another six page major paper due tomorrow. Then, yesterday I recieved two assignments in another class, both due tomorrow as well.

The problem? I have to drive to another state today. My parents ugly and contentious divorce culminates on Thursday. I have to be there to testify, just like I was 14 months ago when I came home to discover my world had fallen apart. The two homework assignments, the professor instructed me to email them to him.

My original plan was that I would turn the second paper in today before leaving town. However, the research paper took longer than I anticipated. Or, I should say I flat-out had to step away from it on Sunday because my children's need to have a mother participate in their lives and Halloween. That meant I didn't get the head start on the second paper that I needed.

In the middle of all of this, E is destabilizing. She failed English her first term at school, and what we can determine is that she isn't getting her homework done, none of it. Her attention focusing meds wear off in the afternoons and she absolutely cannot focus in the evenings. We've noticed that issue. What I didn't realize soon enough is that apparently a 6th grader has the same burden of homework as an 8th grader. So the reality that she wasn't working as much as her brother was not that she had less, but that she was not capable of accomplishing it.

I decided to test whether her mood stabilizer was contributing to her afternoon problems. It makes her drowsy and unfocused so perhaps her two meds contradict each other. Since her mood stabilizer took her from a petite little girl to the obesity category, I also hoped that the main hunger it triggers would happen in the night and would help stabilize her weight issues. All I did was switch her mood stabilizer to bedtime instead of mornings.

She does fine at school. And, homework is a breeze now. Provided she gets it done before the nightly freak out. Sigh. Going to have to call her doctor. What I didn't want to do was add an afternoon dose of her attention meds. I'm giving her until first of the week, but I'm guessing we're going to have to do exactly that.

Meanwhile, in the worst week I could be having, she assaulted me one night, and threatene to kill herself another night. Careful evaluation of the threat led me to believe it wasn't a serious threat...yet. Its only a matter of time with her.

Then, because my life wasn't spiced up enough, my mother, a diagnosed Narcissist, has leveled grevious but false allegations...again. Big surprise. Except, she's good. You have to get her credit. She may be bat-shit crazy but she's highly intelligent and knows how to play her manipulations to the very best she can. I've spent a great deal of the last week talking with my father, talking with various siblings and talking with the children's attorney.

I told my siblings' attorney that the behavior my mother was using to justify her claims was at least two years old. That's how long I was aware of it, and have spoken to little sis about it. However, I told her to talk to other sis who shared a room with little sis because she would know exactly when the behavior started. When did the behavior start? Well, start appears to be a misnomer. Its been going on since little sis came home from the orphanage. Supports my theory that it sounded like adoption related issues--a subject I'm extremely well versed in. Mom claims she JUST discovered this behavior last week.

Really, crazy dingbat, where have YOU been in the 9 YEARS you've supposedly called this child your daughter? Either you're lying now, or you're just a stellar example of motherhood that you never knew your youngest child was displaying some extremely disturbing but common adoption related behaviors.

Remember though, I still have a six page paper due today.

So, after a second night of no sleep, I knew something had to give. My arm still hurts from E's attack. My neck is locked up from the stress of dealing with last night's meltdown. This morning, my father called to let me know he called the police on my 15 year old brother. Little bro has similiar issues to E, kinda funny since there's no biological tie between them, but that's the reality. He too went manic last night and threatened Dad. Took runner bro and a cop to talk him down this time.

Oh, and because manipulation isn't working on anyone else, dingbat is now targetting runner bro. Last night, she informed him if he doesn't come to court tomorrow to "protect" her from Dad, that he's no man. And, he'll cause her to lose custody of the minor children.

Cause her to lose custody????? She already LOST custody of them. And, sis is going to be in court to testify tomorrow. Runner bro doesn't want to be there. Dad is by far the better parent. But, mom is paying him spending money while he's in college and working on a professional track career. His track scholarship pays for his college, but not spending money. He can't get a job and still run track. He doesn't run track and he has no scholarship. Mom gives him $90 every two weeks.

DUDE, runner bro---get some student loans. For $2k per school year, you can break her power over you entirely, have slightly more spending money and still have a managable student loan debt when you are done. But, of course, we came out of the ultra conservative Patriarchial movement. Student loans are the tool of the DEVIL. Its EVIL to take out those loans. Same morality apparently doesn't apply to the $100K she has in credit card debts, the two houses she deliberately put into foreclosure this summer nor the $25K she just has to reveal she stole from joint marital assets in preparation for court last week.

Still following me on that paper due TODAY??? Yeah, niether was I.

I emailed my professor. I very embarrassingly had to explain a lot of the situation to him because we had a test tomorrow that I was going to miss. He postponed the test for the entire class, but already had the details of my drama filled life. He actually offered to let me turn the paper in late and originally I refused. I HATE asking for special consideration and turning something in late.

Today, I've reached my breaking point. I cannot write this full paper. I can do the summation of the material. I can do the personal reflection. I cannot do the highly technical and academic portion of the paper that requires I relate the material to sociological concepts. Just can't do it.

I asked for an extension until Friday on the paper.

My professor's response was one of those moments that reminds me that I am not forgotten, nor forsaken.

I've been FORBIDDEN to write this paper until I return from court. He wants to discuss what a reasonable due date after I return.

Oh, no fear there. I'll have it finished before Monday, no questions about that at all.

It was his other comment that brought tears though. He informed me that I was the most mature student he had ever encountered and that he has never offered leniency to the level he's given me, but he has no qualms about offering me this, as he knows not only will I get the paper done but I clearly have a full handle on the subject matter in the first place.

Praise the Lord for mercy, even when it comes from my own embarrassment of having to be open about my life in a settign where I would prefer to be judged by my merits and not my history and experiences.

I'm now doing the two short assignments due, which I can email and packing to leave. I have a parent teacher conference at 3:30 today and will head out for a 6-7 hour trip after that meeting. Going to be a LONG night.

No comments:

Post a Comment