Thursday, April 19, 2012

I am not forgotten

I went looking back at my old posts. First, I realized I totally abandoned this blog in 2011. Honestly, there was so much on my plate, that I'm not surprised. I remember many times composing entries in my mind...and never getting time to sit down when I got home to actually post. What I did not do is sink back into the life I left. I have continued to put one step in front of another, and continue to do so even now.

In February, I was notified that I was induced into AKD, the Sociology Honor Society. I had pursued that goal like a rapid skunk since going back to school. Getting the invitation in the middle of what was going on with M was quite anti-climatic. Because of the medical situation with M, I was unable to attend my induction ceremony. That actually should have been last week. I need to notify my University to make certain my certificate is sent to me here. Also because of M's situation, I will be unable to attend my graduation ceremony in May. Again it feels anti-climatic. I dearly wanted to be there, to finally stand up and be proud of what I have accomplished. It's just not possible. I have my degree. I have fought long and hard for that half of my life. I haven't lost sight of my goals, just had to flex somewhat.

I have applied for an RN-BSN program. It will be a second Bachelor's degree. They are awaiting the reciept of my transcripts from all of my former colleges, who all state they have sent the transcripts. So, I should hear a decision on that application by mid-May, I expect.

I seriously considered doing a RN-MSN program. There are plenty outt there, both in brick and mortar environments and online. I decided with M's situation, it was better to take this one bite at a time, locking in each accomplishment as I hit the mastery of it for now. With the need to balance M and his seven siblings, I felt it was imperative that the RN-BSN be an online option. Everything but my preceptorships will be online. Since all I lack is the dydactic work and some clinicals, it won't be a rough journey on this step. The program I applied for assumes you have no work towards a Bachelor's already completed and that it takes 24 months to accomplish. The reality is that I have all but the nursing work accomplished. The best I can determine is that it will likely take me about 15 months.

I have all of my requirements to transfer my nursing license to the state we now reside in. Because we moved last month, I no longer must attend an RN refersher program. I have my continuing education requirements for this state. They do not require work for monetary compensation here. They are not a compact state per se, but once they verify that my nursing education was accredited and my NCLEX-RN scores were satistfactory, they will issue me a license. We'll have my application fee in May and I will transfer my license at that point.

One of the local hospitals has half of their RN job listings as part-time, most of them night shift. As soon as I get my active license, I'll be applying for every part-time hospital based night shift job possible. I can attempt to expand outward to day shift if necessary, but I'll try night shift first. I think as M gets worse, having something that allows me to step out and just be ME will become more vital for my own mental health needs.

I have looked at MSN programs. I am still going. I just have not decided where I will be and how I will approach that yet. M's Heptalogist told me in February that he had approximately one year left. I can clearly see that I need to do this next step online, despite the mind crushing anxiety that online coursework causes me. I think it best to make firm plans on the next step when I have a better idea exactly where I am and what demands my family places upon me at that point in the process. Thus, why I am working on locking each accomplishment one by one right now.

I still long for, and dream of the PhD. However, today I think I need to set smaller, firm goals. I don't want *me* to get lost in the journey our entire family faces now. However, I don't want to set myself up for failure by trying to reach too far in a season that small grasps may be all any of us can focus on at any given time. I presented my paper from last year at an Undergraduate Conference while M was in the hospital (a friend came and sat at the hospital with him so I could be there, even though I did a horrible job at least I was brave and present). It's there. I hold it close to my heart and nuture it. I just cannot know what the future will bring to that dream right now.

II and I have one secret about the future we're holding onto. Like my dream of my PhD, we really don't know whether it will happen. However, we're holding it close to our hearts. It's a fragment of what we started No, it's not another baby....that ship has sailed permenantly. Its a secret promise in a little envelope for a possibility after we walk this journey with M. We take it out and mull it around and then we realize we simply cannot know and will have to wait and answer the questions it brings later.

We have settled into a pattern of preparing for the hardest journey of our lives. We know this season is like no other we have lived, nor will ever live again. We knew when we adopted M that this day would come. We truly thought we had another decade. However, as we settle into this journey, we are making sure that there is life, for everyone in this journey. We have individually determined the needs of all seven siblings. We've made educational decisions set up therapies, extra curricular activities, and support systems to help each child in this journey. We've determined what we think II and I both require to care for our needs, our heartbreak, both individually and as a couple. Now that the children are secured, we're now working to get both of us secured as well. My education and career goals are part of what I need to survive what we face now. I need to not allow myself to drown in this season. I haven't forgotten the need to make sure I have outlets, goals, outside resources. I'm so very grateful we didn't face this even two years ago. I hadn't even begun my journey of learning how to care for me back then. I stumble and fall now, but I know the goal is to make sure everyone walks through this season with their hearts as intact as is possible when we prepare to say good-bye to our son, their brother, our little broken one that the world said had no value who means so very much to all of us now.

As we walk this journey with M, this blog may change some. As I process the past that brought me where I am today, I will be writing more about that past here. Before I provide anything in a singular book format for my sister, I need to flesh some things out for myself. As I process how mothering in this sadness impacts myself and everyone in my family, I want to use this blog for that processing as well. It may also be a place where I share some of M's story, a goal I've had for years of writing his history so he will never be forgotten in this world. They may look a bit different than when I started talking about the raw pain of betrayal in my marriage. They really aren't. They are all part of the tapestry that makes me who I am, they all contribute both to the need to reclaim my womanhood and the process of doing that very action. It's not my goal to abandon this blog again, but to make it my safe haven, a place to process my writing as I process my life right now. I havent forgotten ME in all of this. I haven't forgotten anything. I am working on balance, on processing, on grief for my own past, for my son's present and my family's future. I'm working to realize that most of my goals for M were never acheived. The future is not certain, but the journey this family takes is unavoidable for all of us. It's all entertwined and entangled. I'm part of this too. I haven't forgotten that. I didn't want anyone else still listen to either, or think that I did.

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