Friday, July 20, 2012

Fragments of grief

L and J have declared that when it rains, it is Micah saying hello from heaven. It's rained three times since he left us.

Two nights ago, my father called to tell me my brother got an internship. It's the first step in him becoming a professional athlete and getting coporate sponsorship. Apparently, sports related companies hire athletes for a short internship and pay them sufficienttly to sustain their basic needs for much longer than the short period of time. My brother will work for one week and should earn enough funds to cover most of his living costs for the fall, since he cannot run on the US Men's track team this year and work in the off-season. The company he got his internship with? Gatorade. I laughed my head off. Yesterday, I made sure to call my brother and tell him about Micah's obssession with Gatorade and how it was the only thing he drank in his last 24 hours. It made my brother cry.

My sister told me she is not coming to Micah's Celebration. I'm not surprised. She went into pediatrics because she hates death and figured she could avoid it by working with kids. I was terrified to tell her we were adopting a terminal child because of this. When I did tell her, her response was to inform me she would not be getting attached to this child. I think she's afraid to admit she got VERY attached to Micah. She'll hide and cry, but she won't come say good-bye to him. She didn't stay for our grandmother's funeral either and grandma was essentially her own mother in all but name. I know it's not personal.

My other adult brother wants to come. He's trying to make it happen. However, he doesn't think he can. I asked him to go on the 28th and take his boys to the park. I told him to release a red balloon to honor their cousin. He says he will do that for me. His older son is Micah's age. I know this has hit him hard.

We have a contractor doing work on our house. He's been doing it for six weeks now. The primary problem is that the work should have taken a week but he doesn't believe in coming more than 2-3 days in any given week and he never works more than four hours. He was coming last Thursday and I asked his wife to please NOT be doing construction that day. I told her to send him Friday. He showed up Tuesday. Tuesday he *promised* us he would be done that day. He showed back up yesterday. He stayed 15 minutes and left. Then, we got a call from the landlord. The contractor complained that he absolutely cannot work around our children's messes and offered to refund funds to the landlord. After blowing up, II took a picture of the three rooms the contractor claims were so messy he couldn't work on them. A's room was messy. It took II ten minutes to get it cleaned up when the conractor got here. The other rooms were toally empty. Supposedly, the guy is going to come today and stay until he gets the job done. The real issue is that he doesn't want to be here anymore, not after Micah died. He should have just been honest and not tried to pin that on US. As the landlord said when II texted him pictures of the three rooms, pictures don't lie. I'm sorry my loss makes him uncomfortable and inconveniences him. It's really not my problem though. He needs to finish the work and get OUT. He's already forced my family to suffer in his construction zone while their brother died. I think that's more than enough insult and injury for these kids to endure.

Last night, I meant to release three red balloons for my baby. We couldn't individual balloons so II bought a helium tank. He bought a package of a dozen red balloons, thinking he would use the rest for the Celebration. However, all of the children saw what we were doing. I did release three balloons to send to heaven. Everyone relased balloons as well, all 12 that were in the package. Micah would have liked that. He always loved releasing his balloons and watching them float away. He didn't like that it meant he had no balloon afterward, but still the kiddo had no impulse control so he would tantrum when he realized what he did but never stopped releasing the balloons just the same.

Just before bed last night, L informed me that if she killed herself, she could go to heaven and be with Micah. Um......yeah. II and I both talked with her about how Micah will still be there and it would be better to wait until it's the right time that she is supposed to die. That if she killed herself, everyone left behind would be even sadder. I made a mental note to mention this to her art therapist before she comes again so she can focus on this topid a bit and see if she can get L to a place where she is NOT contemplating killing herself.

Just before bed, II got an email from Micah's Palliative Care doctor. She is also a Specialist in another field. Specifically, she is now S's Specialist. She's told us to take things one step at a time for the overwhelming health scare that we were notified on S 23 hours afer Micah died. Her email to want to contact the primary doctor personally and to make certain we're moving as fast as possible for futher testing for S is NOT helping me simply take one step at a time on this new nightmare. I cannot give energy to this fear right now. Everything is already set up to follow through and I have to honor the place where I can grieve Micah before I enter this fight emotionally. For now, I'm taking peace that both the primary and the specialist have this one. All but one of the tests will occur next week. The specialist already has copies of the tests already done and if she's wanting to contact the primary personally, then I suspect she wants the additional test results gotten directly to her as soon as the results are back. Only when we know for certain what we are facing will I devote my emotional energy into this new issue.

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