Maybe it's because II and I mistakenly decided we would sleep on the couches, stay in the air conditioning, and try to avoid the heat of our bedroom. Instead, we both slep fitfully and not fully. We haven't been apart since we lost him, and we both seem to need each other to cling to especially right now in our pain.
Maybe it's because I had to address safety and medical concerns on S today. I had to put my mamabear hat on and advocate for this child who is rapidly trying to self-implode in his grief and his frustration at being disconnected with his family in that grief.
Maybe it's because I found out that my hopes to start my BSN this fall has completely fallen apart. I feel like I'm drifting and despite all of my efforts it's not a possiblity for the fall, all because of a disorganized nursing program and a downright arrogant nursing director who refuses to be reasonable with my requests.
Maybe it's because II went to pick up the death certificates yesterday and was surprised when the funeral home brought out a sealed cardboard box. It has my son's name on it. I know what it is. I just cannot bring myself to give any energy to processing it right now.
Maybe it's because I decided a year ago that I would put his ashes into a concrete Mickey Mouse statue. Do you want to know how hard it is to find someone willing to do a concrete Mickey Mouse statue? It's impossible. Disney holds their copyright laws very tightly. While it's legally permissible to use something for personal use and not violate copyrights, no one is willing to trust our word that this is personal use only. I did finally find a professional artist, whose best friend is as professional sculpture. Together, they have agreed they will make a scuplture for me, pour a latex mold and then allow me to have the latex mold so we can make our own concrete statue. In this way, if something ever happens to this one, we can recast it ourselves. Accomplshing that took a lot of emotional energy and it's not done yet.
Yesterday, I was productive. I got cleaning and organizing done. I spent lots of time with the kids. I sorted through M's clothes. Today, the house feels empty. The children keep pushing me to purge and clear his stuff. I'm not ready, but I recognize they are ready and they need me to honor their request on this one. It just drains me to do it.
Mostly though, I just woke up and felt empty today. My house was quiet when it should not be. There was no little boy who required constant attention, supervision and medical care. There were no protests that he didn't want to do things, no hum of medical equipment. My children were calm. They were sedate. Not one of them, much less all of them combined, require the level of care their brother required every day of his life. It was too quiet and I was left alone with my own thoughts. So, I had a bad day. I remember him. I try to wrap my mind around the finality of this, and I am not sure I can do it yet. I just want my baby back. I want to hold him in my arms and listen to him whine about everything he doesn't like in life. I'll never get that again, but I'm not sure I'll stop yearning for it either.