Monday, October 1, 2012

Running forward

Today, I found the courage to finally call one of my oldest and dearest friends and ask him why. Why was he silent when my son died? Why has he been silent since then?

I tried to call him when Micah died. I tried to text him. By the time I realized he never responded, nor did he post on facebook, like so many who didn't know what to say did, a month had passed.

I had no idea what had happened. I feared he deliberately ran away, like others did. Three of my own siblings ran away, so I know running from my pain is not an unheard of response, even from people who supposedly love me. However, those siblings did at least let me know they loved me, even as they ran.

Today I called him and asked him what happened. He was busy. He lost my phone number. He didn't think about facebook. He's been under tremendous stress as a single father and with a difficult work situation.

They were all truthful. They just weren't the truth of why he disappeared.

Underneath all of the excuses, he admitted he just didn't know what to say. Everything he could say felt inadequate. So he said nothing.

This friend of mine lost his best friend in high school, his first true love and the girl he saw spending the rest of his life with. I know death is painful for him.

Running away from me in my pain is just as equally painful. I know he loves me. He is the big brother I never had and in many ways I am closer to him than I will ever be with my siblings. I know not he nor anyone can know my pain, protect my from my pain, or make it better. I also know that I need to be reminded that the people who love me are still here...will still be here when I find the other side of this chasm of grief.

He said the only thing he can say now. He's here now. I can't ask for more, and I don't expect more. It does hurt when those who love me run away from me instead of simply loving me right.

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