Thursday, May 10, 2012
I've been getting up every morning to walk. I had one minor fiasco when I realized I had set my alarm for a one time thing and got up too late. I did attempt to walk that afternoon but being outside of my routine I forgot to use my inhaler before setting out and forgot to bring one with me as well. I managed to trigger an asthma attack and limped back home instead of finishing what I started. II said I deserved credit for simply putting my shoes on and attempting it. I felt better realizing later that I had actually made it halfway through the walk, despite my mistake. Wasn't quite what I was hoping for, but at least it's still moving and pushing ahead. So, this morning J showed up in the bed at 3 am. He is awaiting an appointment with a Pediatric Pulmonologist because he shows clear signs of asthma as well, and since moving this spring it has gotten worse. He was supposed to have his appointment in September. However, smart mother that I am, I made his appointment with M's Pulmonologist. II spoke to his nurse yesterday and he's willing to work J in after M's appointment in June. For now, we use the rescue inhaler and half of my adult dosage of nebulized medications when he needs to use the nebulizer. The pediatrician threw the prescription for the rescue inhaler on our way out of our last state because it was the fastest and easiest way to help him breath until I could get him to a specialist. This morning he was coughing and puking and wheezing. II held him while he coughed the rest of the night. When the alarm went off at 5:20, we were hoping he would fall back asleep and we could sneak out to walk. Instead he went hysterical on us. So, we made the spot decision. Exercise, even for the most noble of causes, can wait. Sick children come first. I'll walk this evening. This time, I will remember my inhaler so I can walk the entire route. Nothing is so important that I leave a sick baby hysterical to do it, not even my health. Exercise in the evening is still exercise and this morning my baby needed me to hold him a little longer. These are the hats I wear. Sometimes I can focus on me, but other times I have to focus on those who need me. I am a mother, just as I am many other things. Motherhood has been the defining role of my life. My journey to find me came from trying to find a space where I could see me inside of the motherhood. It wasn't able setting aside that motherhood but finding a balance that allows me to be me and not merely someone's mother. Sometimes, the balance goes the other direction and I still really do have to set aside my own desires, needs, wants, or identity to simply be someone's mother. I've been doing the mothering thing a lot this week, and I have to do it alot more before my week is over. It is what it is. So long as I don't forget that I'm still in there, the balance will come back to center again eventually. It was when I forgot that I lost myself in the role.