Friday, June 1, 2012

No good deed

While we knew that M was dying now, and not some theortical point in the future, we pulled inward While we have always suspected that there might be one or two more children for our family, we knew during this journey that needed to not be the case. We need to focus on our dying son and his grieving siblings.

Yet, another quiferful exile crossed our paths. This was one whose story has been told dozens and dozens of times, a story whispered but not spoken aloud. This exile was an adoptee, specifically a West African just like our A. The family was looking to ship this child back to their homecountry, or simply dump them in US fostercare. Because I have known a dozen of these adoptees who were quietly shipped back to this specific homecountry from the quiverful movement, I knew the threat to be credible. The child's issues mirrored our son's and we felt we were capable of helping this child and we offered to do so.

We believe in adoption ethics. We believe that adoption is borne of loss and every loss a child suffers is another trauma that can be avoided. The family wanted us to move foward with adopting this child, we suggested instead we try to work with this child for a year, if the family could be reunited, then that would be less losses for this child, and if not then we would know by then whether it could be a permenant situation.

I forgot my own assessment of what the Patriachal movement does to men. Either they become abusive or they self implode with the effort of not harming their family. I also forgot the lessons my LMB has taught me, that Narcissists are highly drawn to the movement because of the power and control it automatically provides them. If I had remembered those lessons, we would not be heartbroken today.

S came into our home and quickly stole all of our hearts. S is an amazing person, and the issues that caused S to be removed from the home very quickly showed to be issues with the quiverful culture that S was exiled from. Even more startling to me was that S's very name, the name given by their birthmother in their birthcountry is the ONLY name God ever laid on my heart for one of my children that never entered my home. It's a long story, but ultimately that there was never meant to be an S amongst my children. When we adopted M, we severed his name from the S name and assumed S would never exist. Yet, here was S, and S entered the US the same week M came into our home.

Maybe God meant for S to be ours and man changed things for evil. Certainly, it would have been an honor to have called S my child forever, and even as we are grieving and saying goodbye, S has stated their own desire to stay in our home. However, when we forgot the lessons I've written in this blog, we engaged the family that was moving S as if they were logical, asne, and had S interests at heart. I should have remembered that people who have a child's interests at heart do not treat that child like garbage. I remembered all of those lessons too late to save this placement.

Ultimately, II refused to stand in the face of evil doings and call them good. When II refused to call them good, the legal father of S realized that S meant something to us, though this child meant nothing to him, and has removed S from our home as punishment for daring to speak truth.

The story of this amazing exile is just beginning to be written. Someday, when S is fully safe, I hope to share a lot more. Though S will not be a forever member of our family, this child has stolen our hearts. More important, when II heard the call to stand in the gap and help S, he also found his faith in God again. He momentarily lost it again when the legal father used S as a weapon and a pawn but is holding onto shaky ground in his faith as we watch S's story unfold and we be used to help this exile to ultimate safety, even if it is not with us.

I do not regret to opening our home and hearts to S. I do regret that once again I let that world hurt my children. They are losing a child they have fallen in love with completely and totally. My poor baby J is heartbroken. He has spent the last three months in weekly art therapy coming to grips with losing M and now cannot figure out what the difference is between losing S whom we cannot have continued contact with, and losing M, who is dying. He wants to know if S is going to heaven to be with S's new mommy. He is absolutely devestated because he wanted this child to stay in our home forever. He does not want S to leaave, and I cannot tell him that we will ever see S again.

This man who has used this child as a weapon to teach us a lesson for opposing him, who operates in a religious movment that supposedly puts children has having value and being blessings, cares nothing for his child nor mine. He has no care that he has destroyed the heart of a little three year old who only did what this man wanted us to do, to love this child and try to help this hurting child heal. This story will have a happy ending eventually, but it won't include us. J will be heartbroken and not instead of losing merely one sibling, he will lose two.

I hate that we ever found that lifestyle seductive. I hate worse that children are still being hurt in that world I'm not sure if I have the heart to ever open myself to help another one after this. After a decade of passionate fighting for these hurting kids, I'm not sure I can do it again.

Yet even in this, God has thought of my broken heart today. In the midst of our pain tonight, as we celebrate S's birthday before we say good-bye, today I got my letter from my BSN program. After two months of fighting them to get all of what they supposedly need, having to go through one appeal and having them lose my transcripts thrice, I am OFFICIALLY accepted to my RN-BSN program, the one that has all but the preceptorship online so I can work around M's issues. My dreams move forward, even if today my heart is breaking and my bitterness towards the world I left is hard to let go of today.

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