Monday, April 12, 2010

Second verse, same as the first

So, I left II home for Spring Break.

I really had no choice. He just landed a contract job doing IT work, and it was the hotel's biggest event of the year. Not only did we need the income, but if he wasn't available to keep them up and running for the week, he would have lost the contract and all the future income it could provide.

I knew this was a disaster waiting to happen. He hasn't truly been in recovery for 4 months now. I'm on the brink of divorcing him. And, we had no time to prepare safeguards whatsoever.

Mostly, I just hoped that he would be so busy at the hotel he wouldn't have time to mess up. Beyond that, I prayed his supposed committment to honesty and transparency with me would cover whatever other failings he experienced for the week.

Yeah right. Checked in with him several times a day. Asked point blank for accountings of his temptations and his actions. He was mildly tempted to look at porn, supposedly. Otherwise nothing went on. I strongly, strongly felt this wasn't full disclosure. But, I was 3 states away. What was I supposed to do?

I reconciled things last night. And then I woke him up at 12:30 to give him the opportunity to be honest with me. Took him 2 hours to finally, fully avail himself of Truth.

I knew going into it that he had not hired a hooker again. The bank accounts all show that didn't happen. The cell phone and emai records didn't incidate he was successful at hooking up for free sex. But well...he's used annonymous email accounts in the past so that means very little.

Most significantly, it was obvious he concealed his internet usage, to the point I could not figure out what he did, where he went and how bad it got. The supposedly true confession is no sex this time. Do I believe him? Honestly, with my heart yes I do believe him.

I've worked through most of the partner's workshop with Recovery Nation. One of the things early on it taught me, aside from strong boundaries, is to trust my instincts again. There's a change in how he behaves, how he speaks, how he carries himself and how he reacts to me when he's being fully honest and fully transparent. At 2:30 last night, he hit that change.

The story is that he looked for a porn shop, without success. He looked for hookers on Craig's list, also without success. He looked for a strip club, with no success. And, failing all of those, he settled on porn, a lot, lot, lot of porn. And, the obvious behavior that comes with that much porn. Supposedly, he scared himself back into recovery. He even tried calling his Psych who informed him that the new med he has been taking never hit therapeautic levels in the first place. The sobriety always came from within him. Psych suggested if the placebo effect ceased, then its time to re-enter 12 step recovery.

When I left, I offered him one final chance. I wanted an action plan for how he was going to fix his failings. If he couldn't follow his own plan, then I would file for divorce at the end of the semester.

Then, I spent a week single parenting and realized I cannot single parent these kids. I watched my dad single parenting 4 kids where only 2 have special needs and realized I simply don't have enough hands to do this alone. So, I came home realizing we simply have to go back to Plan B.

I spent all night and day contemplating what was I going to do now. How was I going to respond to these conflicting revalations. Tonight, I talked to II about boundaries. Basically, I had sex with him *before* I caught him, which means I'm already exposed if he cheated. But, I told him that since his truth cannot be verified that he's re-set his timeline for testing anyway. My heart doesn't believe he cheated. But, I won't gamble my health on my heart--which would have never believed he would cheat in the first place.

I want an appointment at the Health Dept for STD testing by end of this week (appointment made, can't control when they can get him in). Otherwise, he's cut off indefinitely--no discussion on this one.

In the future, if I don't trust his truth, he'll re-set his timelines again if his truth cannot be verfied.

He argued, but agreed. He got passive-aggressive and I told him either honor my boundaries with respect and a contrite spirit...or there was the door and he can walk out it. He groused and stopped.

Told him the boundaries are adjusted now. I know I said one thing 6 months ago, but I knew as much about sex addiction as he did back then. I've spent 4 months with a man NOT in recovery, but not actively offending and battling with whether its okay to divorce him or Plan B him when he's not actively offending, but he's not in recovery either.

From here on out, I will only be engaged in intimate relationship (in al its forms) with someone in recovery. If he's not in recovery, I really don't care if he's actively offending or not, he's Plan B.

This is the only way I know to protect my heart and still meet the needs of these kiddos.

I really don't think I can divorce him. I don't think anyone could single parent these children. Unless he's walking out on parenting them, I have to stay with him under one roof and actively co-parenting regardless of the condition of *us*. He swears the only way he would walk out on the kids if he's dead. Only time will tell that one though. If he walks out, then I'll have either child support/alimony or life insurance/SSI funds. Either will help me with raising them. And, if I have to do it alone, then I'll have no choice. But, as long as I have a choice, I have to choose them.

I know this isn't the best option for *me*. But, I made a deliberate choice to take on special needs children. This is the reality of the life we both volunteered to live. We have to see this through before either of us can have our freedom, even if the intimacy were to die.

So, in addition to the STD testing, the rest is where I left it before spring break. I need a written and signed action plan by end of this week (he's given me a verbal one, but I specifically want it in writing from him, for accountability). If he is not meeting that action plan, then at the end of this semester, he has to buy a mattress and boxspring and convert the playroom into his bedroom.

I told him I'm pissed as hell that he LIED to me. But, other than the lying, nothing has really changed. Told him I would give him ONE pass on the lying. He's destroyed 6 months of restoring trust. but, I don't see the point of any other boundaries, because I aready established them. Told him if he lies to me again, heads will roll. Not sure what the boundary will be, only that he will NOT like it.

Just wish I weren't here all.over.again. Supposedly, he's restarted Recovery Nation and will be attending SA this week. It seems there is a weeknight meeting I knew nothing about and he wasn't terribly honest with me about it existing in the first place. Time will tell. Pardon me if I don't get my hopes up all over again. Disappointment seems to be easier to face when I don't anymore.

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