Friday, April 2, 2010

Still struggling

So, he swears he gets it now. He swears he finally understands. He wants one more chance. He wants to prove he can do this. He wants me to let him try one more time.

Whatever. That's what he has said the last 3 times I've reached this point. He doesn't get it. He's never going to change. It is what it is.

However, to help him let go, I've agreed to one more chance. Except, I've very clearly and very extensively defined this one. I set an impossible standard. I agreed that if he can not break one SINGLE promise he makes to me about ANYTHING before the end of the semester and if he can not make one SINGLE verbal attack on me when he screws up within the same time frame...that if he gets to the end of the semester I will consider Plan B back on the table, or maritial counseling (after he starts individual counseling only) or some other negotiation beyond divorce. However, the first time he breaks a promise to me or verbally tears me down, I will make the appointment with Legal Aid immediately. There will be no discussion, no warnings, no excuses. This includes that limetime of "never get around to it" emotions, projects, goals that he has accumulated. I want him going down his list of delayed life and giving me exact dates when he is going to accomplish each and every one of them--from the half painted living room to the pile of trash sitting in the backyard to the Daddy dates he never delivered on giving to his children.

Its impossible. He won't accomplish it. Fundamentally he cannot and will not change. He will make this promise to me and it won't take him the month I have given him to fail in this. I think he will fail before the end of spring break. Because, this requires a permenant personality change, an active decision to be and do something DIFFERENT than the lifetime of mediocracy he has settles for. It requires him to quit wallowing in his self pity that has only grown in the last 6 months and to claim his life for his own because his family and future depends upon it. It also requires this change be instant, permenant and with out slip-ups. Even if he were doing everything he could and totally self motivated to fight for this, he would make mistakes, everyone does. If his desire were genuine he would recognize and understand that change cannot be sustained in perfection and without mistakes allowed. That he accepts these parameters by itself tells me he still absolutely, unequvicoably does not get it and will not get it.

But perhaps, when he fails and he sees that he knew what was at stake and simply could NOT accomplish what was necessary, he will let go. If he does not, then I will know that I gave him one final chance to grasp why it has come to this and why loving him is killing me and has to stop.

No comments:

Post a Comment