Wednesday, April 28, 2010

When you leap...sometimes you land.

I should be studying. Really, I should.

I'm amazed at where I started a mere 7 months ago, and where I stand today. Seven months ago, my life was devestated, my world was rocked off its foundation, and the man I loved more tha life itself was a louse I had no idea the nature of this man.

I knew two things that day. I knew I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet again. I knew I had to take care of these eight children, no matter what, and make sure their world stayed stable and safe.

Today was the last day of classes for this semester. It was 12 long years between when I was last in a classroom and when I stepped back into one. Yet, I'm there. I've enjoyed. I've learned. Most importantly, I've moved forward.

I still have 4 finals to accomplish. So long as I can perform moderately well and merely hold onto my grades which I am walking in with, I'll complete my first semester back with 3-As and 1-B. I have learned I cannot learn well in an online format, which is really quite a same in this day and age and the opportunities that disasterous experiemnt closes for me.

I've learned the English Department Chair was as arrogant and difficult as I thought, as I passed my English not only with an A but scored one of the elusive High Pass (4 out of 4) scores for the essay the department requires every student pass to recieve credit for their first semester of English Composition.

I've learned that I still love the Social Sciences, but I think I honestly love the life Sciences more than I remembered. I've learned I'm capable of solid A's in both tracks still. I've learned II has to work a great deal harder than I do to score those same A's...or maybe he has to figure it out more because he doesn't really know how to make A's. I've definitely learned we are both capable of being competitive with each other, and he doesn't like when I outperform him.

I've watched my children thrive. Three are in public school now. M is in special education and there is little to be done to help him. I will be surprised if M is capable of reading before he leaves this earth. But, A and E will both make honor roll this final grading period. E will do exactly what I knew she could do and walk away with straight As. A will walk away with mostly As, and I honestly didn't realize he was as smart as he is. I knew he was smart, but he's soared so much more than I thought he would.

I've learned there is life beyond betrayal. II will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. He slips a great deal on his road to recovery from addiction, and he pulls himself back up. He struggles to seek out and be open to intimate connection with me, but the longing to be there never leaves either of us. And, I can accept he is not perfect, nor will he be. I cannot prevent him from cheating again. But, today, he is NOT. In fact, today he is at his SA meeting, despite needing to study for his exams He felt this was a priority for all of us.

I've learned that no one can care for, love and educate my little broken son in the way I can. And, no matter how he entered my home, I can forgive him for being broken and being thrust into my life under such horrible pretences that he had no control over. I can look at him and see him in his brokeness and his deep need for someone to be his mother. I can realize he does not need a mother because he has me. We are joined for better or for worse. And, in the coming school year, my next battle will be to advocate for what the school is failing to give this child. This school year is nearly over, and there is hardly a reason to begin this fight. I require more stamina to fight on his behalf, and more time for the fight to be effective. But, I know this will be in my future next year. I see it and I am biding my time and documenting the journey until we get there now. I didn't want him. I resented him. I didn't understand him. I often wondered if I could return him. But, none of that matters. His issues are more than the others, but they are merely his issues. He is my son and there is this deep drive within my soul to protect him, even knowing that his brokenness will never heal and his heart will never open to me.

Most of all, I'm realizing that I am doing what most dream of doing and never fully find their courage. I am living my dreams again. I am being the mother I was meant to be to the children the Lord blessed me with. I am finding a path to healing with a husband who probably doesn't deserve it, but needs it anyway. Yet, I'm also recognizing the value and importance of me, the dreams I held in my own darkest places that I never dared to consider because they were my world. It didn't have to be that way. It wasn't them versus me. There was room for everyone to live their dreams, except I didn't believe it. Now we're doing exactly that, and we're all so very much better for this leap.

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on finishing the semester! And good luck on the finals! You're amazing!