Thursday, April 1, 2010

This is what it is.

And now the gloves come off, don't they.

I tell him that I don't believe he loves me, and he declares he loves me more than life itself.

And yet, the moment I stop fighting FOR this marriage, he declares he's done and its all my fault.

I tell him that I don't believe he loves me unconditionally, and he swears its all he does and he'll love me until his dying day.

And then he declares there's no point in fighting for this and walks out in anger.

I tell him the only chance he has to make this marriage work is to fight for me, to love me unconditionally, to reach out to me even when I cannot reach out to him, and to hope that if he shows me that love and that committment then the pain might stop before I figure out how to seperate without destroying the children. He swears he will do this. He will reach out to me, even when he understands I cannot reach to him. He will support me, love me, even sleep in the bathroom if he must just to be here and to accept every day left that I can give him.

Then he pops off that I'm the one who has given up, the destruction of this marriage is all my fault. If I'm not going to commit to this, then there is just no point in trying. He wants me to promise I'll stay in this, or he won't even try. He wants me to tell him I love him, to fight for this, to fight him. He wants the WORLD from me. But, he wants me to know that its MY fault that its not happening. Its MY fault that this marriage is dying now. He just cannot try to touch me when I'm cold, when I turn away and when I shut him out. He won't do this. He's tried everything he knows (except of course everything I've told him I need from him) and it just is not working. Because there's no instant solution, because I dare to be stuck in pain from what he did, because I cannot fight, am not strong and do not want to be here. He's done. I have the divorce I want now.

I need to work out the finances and logistics. I'm going to my father's for spring break. I have rent through the summer, but I won't have it come fall. I have food money, enough to pay the bills (especially if I'm not paying his stupid car payment nor anything on the house he cost us) and meet the children's needs. I have school taken care of for the fall. I don't have all of the rent money come fall. I do, thankfully, have childcare to continue my education. I just need to figure out how to come up with about $500/month for rent. I guess I'll file for welfare until the state can go after him for child support. But, he needs a higher paying job before the state is going to go after him for anything. Right now, he's not making enough a month to meet his own financial needs, much less to provide for his kids if we're in two households.

Never did I imagine it would come to this. But, I just do not understand this disconnect. How can he swear he loves me and will do anything to fight for us...and continue doing what he does.

This isn't the ending I imagined for this marriage. It isn't the world I wanted for my children. It isn't the future I wanted for me. It is what it is. Maybe something will change over spring break, most likely it simply won't.


  1. I am so sorry, Jo, that it's come to this. Your choices sound sane and reasonable to me, though. I know it isn't what you wanted, and it's clear that this breaks your heart. I keep thinking of you, and I pray for peace for you, for healing, for strength. You are an amazing woman.

  2. You know, I really don't know what to say, but I can't read and not say anything. Please know that I'm praying for you. It's so easy to say that, I know, but you are literally on my prayer list that I pull out of my Bible every morning. That's all I know to do, since I don't have any btdt advice. I truly cannot imagine what you're going through, and how heart breakingly difficult this is right now.