Saturday, August 21, 2010

Its been a rough month

For reasons outside of his ability to control, II missed recovery group for a month. There was no deliberate intention of missing. In fact, one week he went and it was cancelled, despite being told previously that there is only one week a year when recovery group is cancelled and it was NOT that week.

In addition to being out of recovery group, II took it upon himself to start digging for answers to his past. I don't know why. Its not that he doesn't need to know those answers. It is that every attempt he has made to secure individual counseling has been a dead-end and he's out of ideas until he can get into medical. I personally read the email from the University informing II that his issues were too complex for the student counseling center to work with him, so I know he's not lying.

Without individual counseling, its best to not address his past and what he refers to as his "mommy issues." We've clearly established that his mother has lied, manipulated, abused and used him his entire life before she disowned him last October. We know she was the source of his abuse and pain that left im vunerable to addiction issues. Right now, without a safe avenue to delve into that complex history, I thought we were in agreement that he would work on recovery and marriage restoration but not confronting that past...yet. Its there. It has to be dealt with eventually. It should not be ignored or denied. But, stirring the hornet's nest can cause a lot of behaviors and problems without competent support.

For us, it caused him to emotionally disengage and become downright mean to me. Without recovery check in to even attempt to keep him balanced and healthy, he went right back to the dry drunk phenomenon. And, after a year of this journey, my emotional reserves to even stand disengaged when he gets that way is GONE. My reserves are completely wiped out.

A week ago, I was done. I told him to move out of the bedroom, permenantly.

Then, my period came. I made concessions that my own hormonal imblance might have contributed to my frustration and willingness to throw everything way. I did not decide that I was wrong, that he was a nice person, nor that I won't still get there. I am willing to try one more time, while not overly sensitive and irritated about my body returning to a state of nature I am simply not accustomed to managing anymore.

So, this week, he's been trying hard to reconnect, to shelf his obssessive desire to find every answer about his past NOW, and to invest in us again.

I put all of my stress into my neck now. I know, how very old of me. Over the last month, I have had a kink in my neck that has reached epic proportions. If I couldn't feel the actual knot myself, I would think this was neurological at this point. Its bad. My neck is on fire. My shoulder and arm have nearly reduced me to incapacitation. And, I have not felt safe to do anything that would leave me vunerable to address this. Lots of heat, lots of ibprofen and rest when I've been able to get it.

It is simply not working, and the pain has become significantly worse. Today, I finally felt safe enough to take a muscle relaxer. I hate taking muscle relaxers, or any other medication that alters my mental processes. However, I was desperate to halt this stress injury and I simply don't have the finances to find a good Chiropractor--the best solution to the problem.

Sometime after taking the medication, I was forced to sleep. While sleeping, I dreamed I was back in Virginia, the state where my father was born and raised. I dreamed I made an Old Colonial gingerbread recipe developed by George Washington's mother and once served to General Lafayette.

It is a testiment to II's renewed committment to connecting with me that he dug up that recipe online. He then proceeded to bake one of the most complicated gingerbread recipes I have ever seen to exist. Its cooling in the kitchen for dessert tonight. He certainly wasn't going to trust ME in the kitchen baking tonight. When I came down off the meds, I apologized for the insanity of that recipe. Its wonder I didn't dream of making saffron rice or something. Saffron would have taken a huge chunk out of the grocery budget and he probably would have made it just the same.

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