Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Overdid it

So, I asked my professor yesterday if we had to learn one concept to minutia. We were told we did not need to learn the corresponding concept to that level of detail but my class notes shows those details on the concept. He said we were responsible for everything in the book and everything in the lecture notes. So, I learned it to the finite detail.

Oh, I way, way overstudied on this one. I think I was able to dial the cacophony of knowledge in my brain. But, I could be very, very wrong about that.

The bottom line is that I quit caring about this one at some point. I let myself obsess and hyperfocus on the test for as long as I could. Today, my emotions came crashing down. Yesterday was 6 months. 6 months of sobriety. 6 months of knowing my husband was an ass, a cheater, a fraud. 6 months of having no rock and partnership and of trying to dig myself out of this nightmare to move forward.

The scope and magnitude of what he did still takes my breath away if I think too hard on it. There will likely never be a full accounting of his behaviors. If he could give me that, I believe that he would. But at some point you have to accept that he did so much and so often that he genuine cannot remember all the details. If I had been told he had this history when I dated him, I never would have given him the time of day. Never would I have considered a relationship with someone having that level of sexual history. I don't feel at all happy that I married a virgin and he morphed into something far different, exposing myself and my children to his risks.

Yet, I'm trying to accept that if I'm going to stay with this man, then sobriety anniversaries are a part of life. And, I still believe my children firmly deserve for me to try and make this marriage work, even if I often don't want to be with him.

Today the tears began to flow. I couldn't stop them if I tried. Every day I still hope that I will wake up and this has all been a nightmare. Everyday I wonder what life was like before this pain. I guard myself very carefully in my interactions with other men now. Every interaction I have, the thought runs through my mind, I wonder if he would have hurt me like this. I wonder if another man is safer and offers less pain than the one I am married to. It always leds me back to the question of whether this relationship will ever exist without this pain now.

I don't know what I want from this. I don't know that I want anything from this. I want this to have all been a mistake, to have never happened and to have never taken my life and turned it into the caricature I live now. After 6 months, I'm starting to understand that its never going to happen.

1 comment: