Monday, March 22, 2010

Somebody just slap him please!

Every test cycle, II starts this whole panic/threaten to quit behavior. I'm SOO sick of it. I'm sorry. I know its stressful. I know he was raised to never have dreams and never believe in himself. I even understand that that self-defeatism led to his not exploring what he truly wanted in his life and not caring with his undergraduate GPA. I even know that is what is contributing to his struggles on whether he can even get IN to medical school now.

However, if he wants medical school badly enough, he needs to fight for it. Quitting is no more an option than failure, plain and simple. We left our lives. Yes, I had to leave that house, but I did not have to come *here*. We are *here* because that was the best set-up for II's dreams and because I fell in love with this town and quickly saw that I could make this arrangement work well for all of our dreams and needs. Were it not for his dreams, I would have moved closer to family than this...a lot closer to family at this point.

We found a way to make insanely tight finances work. We're facing the financial ruin and learning to crawl our way out of it. All of this, we're doing because I feel so strongly that rebuilding II and his dreams is just as important as every other member of this family. I believe with all of my heart that the life we lived denied him his dreams as much as it did me. As the sole bread winner of a large family, he had no ability to consider anything but the work he was given. He couldn't quit a job no matter what the work conditions, and there were 2 jobs over the years with illegal behaviors going on. He couldn't work for himself or seek out *any* flexibility in his jobs because he had to carry the family health insurance.

In short, II was reduced to a money making machine. He was no more a person in that old life than I was. And, being reduced to an entity and not a fully respected person played a HUGE role in what he did and where he went with his fall. Patriarchy nearly destroyed II just as much as it nearly destroyed the children and I.

To repair this entire family, we have to restore every single member of this family. II is still a member of this family. For the same reason I carefully considered which children would be better served in public school versus homeschooled, I had to accept that his needs and his dreams were important to this family as well. I wasn't going to sacrifice this entire family and have myself or the children with needs unmeet for those dreams. But, I did feel it was important to rearrange this family to accomodate his needs as much as ours.

To lament and declare he's quitting, or he's failing and will never succeed....I CANNOT handle hearing this!!!! Since when is QUITTING even in our vocabulary now? We do not get the option to quit. We are here. We are fighting for our dreams collectively. We are fighting to restore this family as a whole unit, for the health and well-being of every single member of this family. Either we're all here together, fighting to support each other every step of the way...or we all quit together.

I'm no quitter. I don't quit, and I'm not about to quit now. And, two weeks ago, I told II to either never talk about quitting again or just quit and walk away from his dream. You don't fight for your dreams and threaten to quit. If its so easy to consider quitting, then you didn't hold those dreams as tightly as you claim.

He stopped threatening. He started asking serious questions of those who would legitimately know whether this is even remotely possible. And, the resounding response is that YES--he CAN do this, he's doing GREAT. He's right on path to achieve his dreams. So, stop even considering that you'll quit.

Next hurdle, someone needs to make some income. The threshold of what needs to be earned at this time is extremely low. Because we're going to sell the old house, take the hit on our credit and rebuild, we've reduced our living expenses to bare minimum. A year ago, I never would have imagined that a family could live on what we're living on right now, but we are and we're okay. However, there's a very small gap between what we're bringing in now and what we need to pay out. Someone has to fill that gap. And, we're both full-time students with 8 children.

That's quite the delimma on how we're going to accomplish that. How do we accomplish that requirement? Well, we're slowly, dollar by dollar parsing out the final dollars we had of savings. We're on track to run into trouble in August/September. Someone has to be making income before that point.

II got a job today. Its at-home data entry. Its not what he made 4 months ago. Its more than sufficient to meet our needs now. And, the company is contacting him today or tomorrow to get started. Its immediate, he was hired on the spot. I'm thrilled. After months of applying for jobs and stressing that somehow, someway whatever job one of us found had to fit in our student status and our inability to go to a workplace well and at funny hours, this one is perfect for those requirements. He has two other potential part-time jobs in the works that look extremely promising and will supplement the income for our needs even more. Since we get our health insurance through the U now, we're not under pressure that either of us require a job with benefits, just a paycheck.

I'm thrilled by this development. I called my friends and my family to tell them about this breakthrough. I gave a head's up to a wonderful friend who also needs a job and needs flexibility and options as well. I started brainstorming how to set up a workspace for him protected from the children and with everything he requires to accomplish his job.

Know what II does? He mopes. He grumbles. He asks me not to tell anyone about the case it won't work out. He's afraid to 'hope' that things could go right for a change. DUDE. You're a high paying manager now working an at-home data entry job. You have a Master's degree and getting paid by the line. This is NOT perfection incarnate. This is workable. The job will be mind-numbingly boring...and you have to discipline yourself to work it anyway. You'll have deadlines to meet. And, no matter how well we isolate your workspace from the kids, there are going to be times they are going to bother you. Trust me fella, you did NOT just win the lottery. So please, please stop confusing yourself with Eeyore and celebrate something positive in your life for a change.

I'm ready to slap him. Seriously. Who the frick cares what a horrible mother you had. Who cares that no one believed in you, that you were raised white trash, that you were told you would never amount to anything. You have a beautiful wife, eight wonderful children, you made great money until December and could go back to that tomorrow if you wanted to, the bills are paid, the credit is restorable, and you're still married in spite of what you did. REJOICE. Your life is pretty darn good, all things considered.

I told him, and I meant it. I will not go through medical school with this attitude. Let it go, live in today and not in your baggage or I won't support you through medical school nor in earning your dreams. I'll quit. I'll withdrawal my emotional support and I'll disengage. I'm not your mood barometer. I'm your wife. And thank you so very much for just killing all my joy at this amazing blessing we have been given. The chance to make ends meet, to continue pursuing both of our dreams in spite of everything and the opportunity to have breathing room so we're not ready to puke at every dollar that goes out of the accounts finally. Thank you for robbing me of that joy today.

His appointment with his therapist cannot come soon enough...and I still have to wait until May. That was the soonest they could fit in a new patient. Seven months after I stipulated he had to go into therapy he'll finally get assessed for it. Hasn't been for lack of him trying. That's the one thing he's been absolutely consistent on, and its taken this long to accomplish. He needs therapy. I cannot hold hin up. Its not my job and I won't let it destroy me like this anymore.

So yeah, he got a job. Its apparently no big deal and he's quite certain it won't work out. But, for today he does have a job. Yea ray and I was so excited, merriment and all that sort of thing. What on earth was I thinking?

1 comment:

  1. UGH!

    I love your writing, though! ...especially that he should stop confusing himself with Eeyore. I laughed right here at my keyboard. *I*, in any case, am glad that he got the job, glad you can breathe a teensy sigh of relief. Even in your frustration, you're so even-handed. God bless you!