Monday, June 4, 2012

The make of a woman

When I started this blog, I called it woman reclaimed. My roles in my life had become so out of balance that I had forgotten under all of those roles there was also a woman that needed to be nutured and cared for as well. I forgot that when turbulence hits an airplane, you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting those who depend upon you for survival. This is not to be cruel. It's a basic fact that if they pass out, but you still have oxygen, then you can still get it to them so they can survive. However, if you pass out, they are not going to be able to get the oxygen on you, and you might not get it properly on them. Both of you will suffer by neglecting to care for yourself first. It's the same reason they tell you to not enter water to save a drowning person, but to make sure your footing is sure and then reach in towards them.

I am coming full circle. I am no longer so worried about neglecting myself. I find at times I do slip back into old habits. However, for the most part I remember to care for me and not merely all of those around me. When that happens, I merely need to recenter and remind myself that I am important too and adapt what I'm doing better.

Life is about balance. I knew that even before I knew how to do it very well. When I started this blog, I tried very hard to not bring anything but the discovery of that lost woman into my writings. However, that isn't possible. This woman, like every woman, has many facets to what make her a woman. This year, I decided to more conciously bring the rest of my life into my writings. If the season I must walk involves motherhood, gut-wrenching emotions and sometimes tipping the scale of my balancing act, then it would not be authentic to ignore that reality. So, I choose to bring it forward and to write about it.

This morning, I got up and got ready for my normal walk. I've gotten pretty good at this habit now. I'm not seeing weight loss nor better physical shape for my efforts. However, I am breathing better, MUCH better, and that was my only goal in this committment. I have realized that if I don't walk every single day, the goal is to continue the habit. Last week, due to lots of events going on, I only managed to walk three days. However, I kept my focus that I will walk, so I wasn't stressed about life getting in the way. Quite the contrary, I have come to relish that time in the mornings. I have time alone. I listen to music. I talk to God. I meditate and I rejuvenate. I also walk. That time is carved out for me, and solely for me.

When J, the three year old spikey dude, woke up as I was getting ready today. I was not thrilled. When he insisted he had to go "walk-walk" with me, I was downright frustrated. When he couldn't find his shoes but would not agree to stay home, I was nearly in tears. Instead, I took a deep breath. I reminded myself that sometimes balancing goes in the direction of putting the kids as more important and today, after all of the emotional upheaval we have endured, spikey dude wanted to walk with the drizzle. So, together we found his shoes. I found him a jacket, and I loaned him my purple parasol. Then we headed out on my route.

Spikey dude asked me where we were going and I started to say, "to the big red barn," my typical turning point. Instead, I said, we'll go as far as you want to go and we'll head home when you're ready. Today, I walked at a snail's pace. I didnt get my meditation time. I didn't get to enjoy the view. I got drizzled upon and hit by an umbrella more than a few times. If I was lucky, then I got half of my normal route accomplished. I think it was more likely 1/3 of it though. However, I took the time to remind spikey dude that he too is important. I'm teaching him lessons that were never taught to me, that his mother will rearrange her routines to accommodate him. For myself, I simply considered the day a habit reinforcing kind of day.

I then came home and completed my RN license application to transfer the license to my state of residence, the last necessary step both in getting a part-time job and in completing my BSN program this upcoming school year. This morning I'll get kids ready for school and this afternoon we'll take M and spikey dude to the Pulmonologist. It's just a normal check-up for M, though we'll discuss his antibiotics that are supposed to start first of July and make sure everything is in place. It's a new patient appointent for spikey dude, who has developed asthma that increasingly requires rescue inhalers and is now time to discuss long-term treatment options for him. I'll do my normal treatments and assessments of M that I do every day. I'll coordinate getting his liver antibiotic script called in before he runs out in the middle of his course. I'll oversee the schooling of the two middler school boys, and get the elementary girls off to school for the day. I'll straighten my area in the living room. If it stops raining, tonight I might go for a walk with II so that we don't lose each other in the day to day chaos. Oh yes, and I will stop at the bank to both get my debit card re-pinned since I don't know the pin number and get my license application notarized so II can mail it tomorrow for me. I may have to comfort a friend, or talk with my Dad in that. I'll provide support for S's new mother if she asks for it. I'll check on my little sister at some point today since she's been having panic attacks now that she's an adult, high school graduate, and heading to college in the fall. That's what I do. That is what makes me woman these days.

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