Saturday, June 2, 2012

Opening old wounds

We left quiverful and patriarchy forever....and then we opened our hearts and homes to another exile. We refused to call evil good and for that we were punished by removing that exile specifically to break our hearts. Ultimately, to keep a child safe, II had to allow a patriarchal abuser castigate him and violate his heart. He did it willingly, for the sake of a child.

For the first time in a long time, II let me know tonight that the old urges are knocking at his heart. It's good that he can recognize it. I did recommend he consider a SA meeting. He opted instead to take me to the store with him where we lovingly choose a small gift of joy for each of our children to help chear their hearts, and chocolate and Chinese food for the two of us.

He hasn't been so hurt in a very long time. So much of his pain from his past has been triggered through this. We knew he would never "heal" from this addiction, that he would forever need to be diligent in staying in recovery. I'm grateful that he can recognize the struggle and it's tie to the pain. I just hate that it can hurt him so much and that urging still comes back.

He still shows he is the man I knew he could be. He is carefully avoiding all alcohol to keep his defenses against that tempation high. After taking an hour to hide, to cry, and to allow himself to feel the raw pain that was placed upon him, he has devoted his energy on comforting his children.

He asked me to never open our hearts like this again. He doesn't want me to stop helping hurting children and quiverful exiles of all ages. He just doesn't want me to expose everyone's hearts like this so we are left in so much pain. I reassured him that will never happen. I knew it was a vile and detestable thing to throw away a child like this. I didn't grasp the depth of evil it requires. I will never touch that evil again, for the sake of my husband and children. I will support parentings to want to stand and support their children. However, I will never again offer the support of bringing a child into my home and in any way allowing anyone to believe I condone the evil it requires to throw a child out in that manner. This might be a common concept amongst quiverfuls who adopt children. However, most in the world recognize the evil of this choice. I won't expose my family to that evil in that fashion again.

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